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06 September 2013 @ 10:12 pm
Transcript: 2x11 There's Something About Mira  



1987

INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT

HENRY has taken SHAWN and GUS out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

HENRY:
Come on, boys. (snaps fingers) Sit up, sit up. Come on, napkins in lap. Now, listen, we don't get to go out very often, so I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.

GUS:
I'm gonna have nachos.

SHAWN:
No way. (sees MAN drop something in woman’s champagne glass) Dad, I think that guy over there is a spy. And he's trying to poison her!

The couple clink their glasses and sip. The MAN watches over the rim of his glass as the WOMAN looks into her glass. She reaches in with a knife and pulls out a ring as the MAN kneels in front of her. SHAWN leans forward.

MAN:
I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. (slips the ring on her finger) Megan, will you marry me?

MEGAN:
(breathless) Y-yes! Of course, yes! (kisses him)

Everyone in the restaurant applauds.

HENRY:
Come on, guys, you've seen people propose before. It's a very special moment. Especially for a man. You fall in love with a woman. You decide you're gonna spend the rest of your life with her.

SHAWN:
Rest of my life with a girl? No way!

GUS:
I'm never ever gonna get married!

SHAWN watches as one of the waitresses walks past in a short skirt and the MAN eyes her as she bends over.

SHAWN:
By the way, they're not gonna make it.

PRESENT DAY

EXT. PARK, BATTING CAGES, DAY

SHAWN is leaning against the outside of the cage as GUS takes a wild swing at the ball as it comes at him. With a cry, his swing actually spins him around. He misses the ball.

SHAWN:
Do I need to set this on slow pitch?

GUS turns around to glare at him. He sees a MAN leaning against a post reading a newspaper.

GUS:
Hey. I swore I saw that guy earlier.

SHAWN:
Yeah, He's been following us all day. I'd say worst P.I, ever. Check this out.

SHAWN enters the batting cage and shows GUS the photos he took on his cell phone.

GUS:
What the… No. He followed me into the bathroom? That's my sanctuary.

SHAWN:
I know.

GUS:
All right, we gotta find out what he wants. And we have to do it in a way that's cool and clever.

SHAWN:
(puts away phone) I got it. (picks up a ball from the ground and throws it at the MAN) Gyro ball!

The ball hits the post instead of the MAN, bouncing off.

MAN 2:
Hey, watch it!

GUS:
(gives bat to SHAWN) Let me show you how it's done. Watch out. (picks up a ball, does a small preparation “dance” and throws the ball. The ball hits the cage, never leaving the confines)

SHAWN:
That very well may be the most humiliating moment of your life. (gives bat back to GUS and picks up another ball) I pitch better from the stretch. (throws but it hits a garbage can)

The MAN unfolds himself from the post as SHAWN and GUS exit the batting cage.

MAN:
That's enough. (unwraps a fresh pack of cigarettes)

A ball hits the MAN in the chest.

MAN:
Hey! Ow! (puts a hand to his chest)

GUS:
And that was for following me into the bathroom!

MAN:
Okay, so you figured out I was following you. My name is Mace Rhoden. I'm a private investigator.

SHAWN:
If I might give you a little criticism. I don't think you've quite mastered the private part. Of course, if you're going for most obvious detective... (sing-song) Nailed it.

GUS:
What do you want from us?

RHODEN:
I was hired to find you. By your wife.

SHAWN:
(snickers) One more tiny piece of criticism. You haven't mastered the investigative part either. Neither of us are married.

GUS:
Uh, Shawn? Can I talk to you for a minute? (pulls SHAWN away from RHODEN)

SHAWN:
(laughs) This guy! Talkin' about one of us being married. Can you even imagine that? Why aren't you laughing? Why aren't you laughing? Oh, my God! You were married?

**********************************************************************

PSYCH

“There’s Something About Mira”
By
Josh Bycel & Daniel Hsia

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Joanna Kerns

**********************************************************************


INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is looking through an old notebook as GUS stands beside him.

SHAWN:
I can't believe you were married! The bachelor party is tainted. (flips page in anger) I didn't get to give my brilliant speech I've been planning since we were seventh graders.

GUS:
You have not.

SHAWN presses the notebook against GUS’ chest as he walks over to his desk. GUS looks at the notebook.

GUS:
You have a book of speeches?

SHAWN:
(sits at desk) I wrote those a long time ago.

GUS:
You already wrote my eulogy?

SHAWN:
I don't remember that.

GUS:
(walks over to SHAWN) "Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and 12 cats."

SHAWN:
Look, the speeches are not the point, Gus. The point is, why didn't you tell me you were married?

GUS:
I didn't tell anyone. I was embarrassed. Look, I'm sorry. I was wrong for not telling you. But, dude, you know when I get married for real you'll be standing up there on that altar, right next to me, as my best man.

SHAWN:
Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear it.

GUS:
You're welcome.

SHAWN:
So who is this harlot?

GUS:
It was spring break '97. I was in Mazatlan with some college friends.

SHAWN:
'97? Tell me you weren't still rockin' the sweater vest.

GUS:
What? No. Her name was Mira Gaffney.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK MAZATLAN, 1997

INT. TIKI BAR, NIGHT

GUS is wearing khaki shorts, yellow golf shirt and an argyle sweater vest. He’s dancing to the music, a beer in his hand.

GUS: (v.o.)
I'll never forget the first time I saw her.

MIRA is dancing behind the bar in a bikini. She drinks a mouthful of alcohol and spits it out as the barman holds a lighter to it, turning it to flame.

GUS: (v.o.)
Mira was like no other girl I ever dated. She could get me to do things no one else could ever do.

>>> LATER >>>

GUS is sitting on one of the bar stools and MIRA is leaning against the one in front of him.

MIRA:
So, seriously, you've never been skydiving?

GUS:
Well, I really don't like planes. Or heights. Or jumpsuits.

They giggle.

MIRA:
No, you like sweater vests.

GUS:
I do.

MIRA:
So you're a sky-diving virgin? Yeah! I'm gonna take you! We'll go! It's amazing! You're gonna love it! (she climbs onto the stool in front of GUS and kisses him deeply)

SHAWN: (v.o.)
Okay. Dude, skydiving's one thing, but how did she get you to marry her?

GUS: (v.o.)
Three words. Three little words.

MIRA:
(ends kiss) Let's try Goldschlager!

GUS: (v.o.)
And four hours later...

INT. CHAPEL, NIGHT

The ceremony is performed by a local man in a serape and sombrero. An older woman is there as a witness. MIRA jumps into GUS’ arms. They all turn to face the camera – including a goat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is holding the wedding photo.

SHAWN:
Oh, my God. And your best man was a goat? I was supposed to be that goat!

GUS:
Shawn, we're on me now.

SHAWN:
You're right. I'm, I'm sorry.

GUS:
(yanks photo out of SHAWN’S hands) Man, I haven't thought about her in so long. People used to call her Hurricane Mira because she was this wild, beautiful, insane girl.

SHAWN:
So who broke it off?

GUS:
Me. And it got weird real quick. (sits at desk) She called me, like, 100 times in one day. And threatened to burn down my apartment.

SHAWN:
Mira really has a thing for fire, huh?

GUS:
But there's something about her. It just stuck with me. I have never felt that way about any other woman.

SHAWN:
All right, that's it. I need to meet this trollop.

GUS:
You wanna come with me?

SHAWN:
(holds arms out to his sides) Yeah!

GUS:
You bet. (stands) But, dude, listen, I don't know if I can control myself around her, so you have to promise that you'll stop me from being sucked into hurricane Mira again.

SHAWN:
Just call me the suck-stopper. Scratch that. Don't, don't ever call me that.

GUS:
I wonder why she wants to see me. (walks away)

SHAWN:
I don't know. Maybe she wants to introduce you to little Gus Jr. (a soft ball is thrown at his head) Or not.

EXT. STREET MARKET, DAY

A man runs through the stalls chased by the police.

LASSITER:
Hold it! SBPD! I said stop!

The man jumps over a table laden with fruit and flips it over.

LASSITER:
Hold it!

JULIET:
Look out! Look out!

LASSITER clambers over the table but trips and falls.

LASSITER:
Son of a...

BUZZ helps him up. JULIET stops, looks around and then takes off in a different direction. The others keep chasing the man who jumps over a chain-link fence.

LASSITER:
I said freeze! SBPD!

JULIET comes around and grabs the man and knocks him to the ground. She then picks him up and shoves him against the fence.

JULIET:
You have the right to remain silent. (cuffs him)

LASSITER, BUZZ and the other officers watch in astonishment.

LASSITER:
O'Hara, how did you just…

JULIET:
Just had a hunch he lived in the area. I figured he'd try to lose us by hopping one of the fences between Hope Street and the 101. Let's go. (pulls the man away from the fence and walks him back)

BUZZ:
I'm impressed.

LASSITER:
Shut up.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER follows JULIET as she hands over custody of her prisoner.

LASSITER:
Come on, O'Hara, level with me. That was really just a hunch?

JULIET:
Yes, for the tenth time.

They walk over to the main desk. Behind them BUZZ leans over to talk with the officer behind the desk.

LASSITER:
Did he, like, drop his wallet or a piece of mail with his address on it? Have you been to his house before?

JULIET:
Why would I have been to his house?

LASSITER:
I don't know. You date.

JULIET:
I just happen to be good at deductive reasoning.

BUZZ:
You know, I've been studying for the detective's exam, and the deductive reasoning part is just killing me. Maybe you could tutor me some time?

JULIET:
Sure. Okay.

LASSITER:
(puts a hand on BUZZ’S shoulder) You know, if anyone's gonna tutor you, it should be me. After all, I do hold the department record for the highest score on the detective's exam. 97.2.

BUZZ and JULIET look away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

LASSITER:
What?

BUZZ:
I have to go wash out the, drunk tank. (leaves)

JULIET:
Yeah! (walks to her desk)

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER follows JULIET.

LASSITER:
What, did someone beat my score?

VICK:
(walks up to them) Hey. I heard about the collar. Nice work. Another case closed.

LASSITER:
Chief.

VICK:
Yeah?

LASSITER:
Did someone score higher than me on the detective's exam?

VICK:
I believe O'Hara did. (enters office)

LASSITER:
O'Hara?

JULIET:
Hmm.

LASSITER:
(plasters on a fake smile) You beat my score!

JULIET:
Only by a little.

LASSITER:
How much?

JULIET:
98.4.

LASSITER:
(whistles) Gosh, you know, I check all those scores every three months. How come I didn't know about this? (sits on the edge of her desk)

JULIET:
Well, because I made detective when I was in Miami so you wouldn't see those results. And I didn't wanna tell you because I know how much you hate to lose.

LASSITER:
I do not hate to lose.

JULIET:
Look, we both did well on the exam. And those scores don't matter to me. What matters to me is that I respect you as a cop and as a friend, and I really, really hope this doesn't become a thing between us.

LASSITER:
This is not gonna become a thing between us. (stands and walks away)

EXT. WINERY, DAY

SHAWN and GUS mingle during an outside wine tasting.

GUS:
That Mace guy said this was the place to meet her.

SHAWN:
Maybe she works here.

GUS:
That wouldn't surprise me. She's had, like, a thousand jobs.

SHAWN:
There's nothing wrong with that. And she doesn't just work here. (picks up a bottle from a display) The wine is named Mira.

GUS:
Maybe they name a wine after all their employees.

SHAWN:
Remind me to grab a bottle of Leonard on the way out. (puts bottle back)

MIRA:
Burton Guster?

SHAWN and GUS turn around and see MIRA sashay down the stairs, hands on hips. GUS is lost.

SHAWN:
Gus? Gus? Gus!

GUS:
(turns to SHAWN) What do I say? How's my breath?

GUS breathes on SHAWN, who puts his hand up to block.

SHAWN:
Relax. Remember the plan.

GUS:
What plan? I forgot the plan.

MIRA squeals when she reaches them and leaps at GUS, spinning him in a hug.

MIRA:
How are you? I haven't seen you in what? Ten years? And now look, boom, here you are.

GUS looks like he wants to talk but all he can do is bob his head.

SHAWN:
(holds his hand out to MIRA) Hi, I'm Shawn.

MIRA:
Hi. (shakes SHAWN’S hand)

SHAWN:
I, I gave him a really tough riddle on the way over, so he's probably now just figuring out that the doctor was a woman.

MIRA:
No, no. He's done this before. He did this when we first met. I think it's kinda cute actually. If we just keep talking, he'll catch up. So I hear that you guys have a detective agency or something.

GUS:
Mira! Mira! Hi.

MIRA:
Hi there. Welcome.

GUS:
Wow! You look amazing.

MIRA:
No, you do.

GUS:
No, you really look amazing.

MIRA:
No, you do.

GUS:
A little bit, but, I mean!

MIRA:
(takes GUS by the arm and walks with him) The only thing that would have been better was if you had worn one of those sweater vests. I love that you used to wear those sweater vests?

MIRA and GUS laugh. SHAWN catches up to them.

SHAWN:
Gus, I remember the plan. This isn't it.

MIRA:
I know. Let's celebrate with a drink. Okay? But not Goldschlager, right? (hurries over a table with wine)

GUS:
I'm in trouble.

SHAWN:
All right, just be cool. And make your armpits stop sweating.

MIRA:
Okay, so this is our Sangiovese from last year. (hands them each a glass of wine)

GUS:
(laughs) Goldschlager!

MIRA:
(laughs) Gus.

SHAWN:
So how long have you been working here?

MIRA:
No, no, no. This is my family's place. We have three wineries. This one, a new one in Napa, and then there's the one in Spain. Which of course I can't go to because I punched a bull in Pamplona.

GUS:
So, Mira, what made you wanna see me after all this time?

MIRA:
Well, I kinda have some big news.

GUS:
Is it Gus Jr.?

SHAWN looks at him.

MIRA:
What?

GUS:
Nothing. (glares at SHAWN)

MIRA:
I'm getting married.

SHAWN:
Oh.

GUS:
Oh.

MIRA:
Yeah, yeah. His name is Jann, and he's from Sweden, although he's lived all over the world. And I met him at this wine convention a few months ago and…

SHAWN:
Mira, that's awesome. Congratulations.

MIRA:
Thanks. So the thing is, Gus, that, our wedding chapel in Mazatlan, they actually sent the marriage license to the U.S the annulment isn't official. So I kinda just need you to fill out some paperwork. Is that cool?

SHAWN:
Yes!

GUS:
Oh, sure. Okay, sure.

MIRA:
Okay, good. Good. I was a little worried.

SHAWN:
So when is the big day?

MIRA:
It's actually tomorrow. On Ledbetter Beach. It's just gonna be a small thing. I kinda wanted it to be here, but he wanted at a beach, it's really the only thing he really wants, so I think I'll let him do it. It's kinda romantic and… Oh! Dad! (runs over to her father DAVID)

DAVID:
Yes?

MIRA:
(pulls him over by the arm) Dad, this is Shawn. It's Shawn, right? Yeah, Shawn. And this is Gus.

GUS holds out his hand but DAVID ignores it.

DAVID:
Oh, yes. Guster, huh? So this is the young man that tricked you into marrying him, huh?

MIRA:
Yeah.

DAVID:
Typical. Mira, I need to speak to you.

MIRA:
Okay.

DAVID:
Gentlemen, only the first glass is free. (walks away)

MIRA:
Oh, why don't you come to the wedding?

SHAWN:
Oh, Mira.

MIRA:
Please? (jumps up and down) Please, please, please! Come, come, come, come, come, come!

SHAWN:
That’s very sweet of you, but we're…

GUS:
What time should we be there?

SHAWN:
Gus.

GUS:
Shawn, what is wrong with you? Mira, of course we will come.

MIRA:
Okay, good. So I'm gonna go get the wedding info and the annulment papers. I hope I don't ever say that sentence again. (runs off)

SHAWN:
Dude…

GUS:
She just smelled so nice. Don't judge me, Shawn. I'm weak. (walks away)

EXT. LEADBETTER BEACH, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk through the picnic area at the beach. GUS is wearing a tan suit with a blue shirt and tie. SHAWN is wearing tan pants, Converse sneakers and an un-tucked long-sleeved blue shirt.

GUS:
I can't believe late.

SHAWN:
Look, I'm not the one that spent two hours picking out the perfect shirt-tie-eyes combo.

HENRY:
Finally. What the hell am I doing here? Shawn, you cancelled twice, you're late. I'm hungry.

HENRY is wearing shorts, flips-flops and a Hawaiian shirt.

SHAWN:
Look, we're gonna eat lunch. I promise. There may even be a grilled cheese bar and some dancing involved.

HENRY:
What, at The Crab Shack?

SHAWN:
Change of plans. We're going to a wedding.

HENRY:
(looks down at his clothes) I can't go to a wedding. I'm not dressed for a wedding.

SHAWN:
Dad, you look sharp as a tack. (gets elbowed by GUS) No one will even notice. (walks away)

HENRY:
Shawn. Shawn. Shawn?

The three arrive at the small area set for the wedding. Behind the setting for the ceremony is a tent for the reception. A woman hurries over to them.

WOMAN:
Hey! Hi, hi, hi! (shakes GUS’ hand) Hi.

GUS:
Hi.

WOMAN:
(shakes SHAWN’S hand) Hi, I'm Stacy. I'm Mira's friend. (looks at HENRY) Is he with you?

SHAWN:
Yeah he's fine. I just won him in a bet.

STACY:
I know who you are.

GUS:
You do?

STACY:
You're Gus! Gus! (shakes him gently) We've been waiting for you. Mira said we couldn't start until you got here. After all, you are a very special guest.

GUS:
I am?

STACY:
Don't be nervous, you. You'll do great. Your spot's just right up front there. Lucky. Now get up there!

GUS:
Okay.

STACY:
Your little tie… (cuts between them and heads for the tent) He's here!

MIRA peeks around the tent flap and waves. GUS waves back nervously. SHAWN, GUS and HENRY turn around to face the ceremony. Violin music starts and the guests turn around to watch for the bride.

GUS:
Oh, my God. This is my wedding.

SHAWN:
Gus, that's crazy.

GUS:
No, it's not. (grabs SHAWN by the arm and turns him around) It's Mira. It's just like her to try to pull something like this. You gotta get me outta here.

SHAWN:
Okay, relax. I can have you in Mexico in four hours. But we gotta dye your hair, change your name and cut off your fingertips so you can't be identified.

GUS:
I don't need fingertips.

MIRA’S mother PHYLLIS stands up in front of everyone. GUS hides behind SHAWN.

PHYLLIS:
Excuse me, everyone. I'm afraid we have horrible news. It seems Jann is missing.

SHAWN:
(punches the air) Yes!

GUS:
Whoo! Oh, that was close!

SHAWN:
Sweet!

Everyone stares at them.

INT. RECEPTION TENT, DAY

MIRA sits at one of the tables, wailing inconsolably. PHYLLIS tries to comfort her as STACY brings her a glass of water.

PHYLLIS:
Mira, sweetheart, it’s…

MIRA:
No, I don't want the water. (puts the glass down on a nearby table)

SHAWN and GUS sit at a table near the buffet. HENRY starts eating a chicken leg.

PHYLLIS:
Baby, it's been two hours. I don't think he's coming.

MIRA:
What do you…

DAVID:
Of course he's not coming. He didn't show up Wednesday for golf, Thursday for the barbecue, yesterday for the rehearsal dinner. Why would he show up to his own wedding?

MIRA:
No, Dad, you know that he got called to work on those other things.

DAVID:
I can't believe you talked me into this.

PHYLLIS:
Baby, can we at least let the people eat something?

MIRA:
No. Nobody gets to eat until I'm married!

MIRA points at HENRY and everyone looks at him.

HENRY:
(with mouth full) That's it, Shawn. I'm outta here. It's rude to invite people to an event and not feed 'em. (leaves)

MIRA:
Somebody fix it!

GUS:
Look at her in that dress. She's so beautiful.

SHAWN:
Dude, I gotta get you outta here. (stands)

GUS:
This must be how she felt after I annulled our wedding. I feel so bad for her.

SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. (pats GUS on the shoulder) Come on, let's hit it. (starts to leave)

GUS gets up and walks over to MIRA.

SHAWN:
What? (follows GUS)

GUS:
Mira.

MIRA:
Yeah?

GUS:
I am so sorry to hear about Jann. We'll help you find him.

MIRA:
You will?

SHAWN:
We will?

GUS:
Yes, we don't have any cases right now. We're more than happy to help.

MIRA:
Oh, Guster! (hugs him) Thank you!

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is at her desk when LASSITER stops and puts down a folder in front of her.

LASSITER:
Just finished my case reports for the week, spell-checked, copied, and collated, time to spare.

JULIET:
Good for you.

LASSITER:
Exactly. O'Hara, I do hope you're not falling behind on your paperwork.

VICK:
(walks over from her office) Those reports look great, O'Hara. Listen, can you translate these files into Spanish? (hands her a folder)

JULIET:
No problema.

VICK heads back to her office as JULIET gets up and walks over to the coffee.

LASSITER:
You speak Spanish?

JULIET:
It's a requirement in Miami. (pours a cup)

LASSITER:
(joins her at the coffee) Well, there's not that very large a Latino population here in Santa Barbara. (looks down and pours coffee)

JULIET takes a sip of coffee and has to set the cup down quickly.

JULIET:
That's so hot! Matt! Did you just brew this?

LASSITER guzzles down his coffee and presses his lips together as he obviously hides the pain.

LASSITER:
It's not too hot for me.

JULIET:
Please tell me you didn't just burn your mouth because you're still pissed I scored higher than you on that stupid exam?

LASSITER:
No.

BUZZ:
Hey, Detective O'Hara! Your stolen refrigeration truck from the seafood warehouse, that's a 10851, right?

JULIET:
Yes.

BUZZ writes on his palm.

LASSITER:
No, hold on. That truck is a commercial vehicle, so technically it's a 15250.

JULIET:
Excuse me, detective. He was asking me. Now, if that vehicle ends up in a chop shop, it's a 10803.

BUZZ tries to keep up as he continues to write on his hand.

LASSITER:
Of course if there's reckless driving involved, it's a 23001. Watch out for the illegal transportation of hazardous materials. 25001.

JULIET:
Okay, that's enough.

BUZZ:
I gotta go get some paper anyway. (leaves)

JULIET:
You know what?

LASSITER:
What?

JULIET:
I have worked hard. I have done everything asked of me. I am a good cop, and I'm not going to stand here and apologize for my good score. So you are just gonna have to get over it.

LASSITER:
Yeah. I can't do that.

JULIET:
Well then, now what?

LASSITER:
Your truck. Whoever solves that case is the better detective.

JULIET:
Solve your own cases. It's a refrigeration truck. It's practically a victimless crime.

LASSITER:
I guess you just don't count the people who aren't gonna get their lobster and sand dabs as victims. I'm surprised the Miami P.D. didn't fail you for lack of compassion.

As LASSITER walks away, JULIET rolls her eyes with a groan.

EXT. WINERY, DAY

GUS and MIRA are sitting at a table overlooking the vineyard.

MIRA:
Gus, what's wrong with me? What is it that makes all the guys go crazy on me?

GUS:
Jann was an idiot for giving you up.

MIRA:
You're so sweet. Sweet. Sweet Gus.

GUS and MIRA look into each other’s eyes.

SHAWN:
Yeah, he's pretty sweet all right. (is sitting at the other end of the table making a cabin out of corks) His head is like a chocolate-covered honeydew. Now, would anyone like to talk about Jan?

GUS:
It's Jann, with a "J".

MIRA:
Shawn is right. We should do that. So this is all that I have. (dumps contents of purse onto the table) I have some pictures of us together. And a note that he wrote me. And a lipstick from him.

SHAWN looks at a couple of pictures of MIRA and JANN. One of them is the couple on a ski vacation and the other is at a beach. In both of them, JANN has the same nick on his chin.

SHAWN:
Do you have any more pictures?

MIRA:
No.

SHAWN then notices a prescription for Clozapine with an refill date of 1/3/08.

GUS:
Shawn, shouldn't you maybe go talk with Mira's parents? (walks over and pulls SHAWN up) I'll find you when we're finished.

SHAWN:
I haven't finished my...

GUS:
It's fine. I'll finish it. (pushes him away)

SHAWN:
You don't even know how to work with cork!

SHAWN walks down a covered walkway and spots PHYLLIS talking with guests. He then looks beyond them and sees a man scrubbing yellow paint off a wall. The guests end their conversation and PHYLLIS turns back and SHAWN approaches her.

SHAWN:
Mrs. Gaffney, hello. My name is Shawn Spencer.

PHYLLIS:
Oh, I know who you are. You're the psychic detective helping Mira. You know, I've always been fascinated by people with "the gift."

They walk together back the way SHAWN came.

SHAWN:
Uh, you're talking about this? (motions to his face and hair) Well, that takes work. I'd like to ask you a question about Jan.

PHYLLIS:
Jann? I wouldn't know the first thing about him.

SHAWN:
I see. Because you haven't met him?

PHYLLIS:
Very good.

INT. WINERY, CELLAR, DAY

PHYLLIS opens the large wooden door and precedes SHAWN into a room with loaded wine racks, casks and boxes.

PHYLLIS:
This is our private wine and alcohol collection.

SHAWN:
Oh, I see. I have a private room for all of my Hello Kitty shot glasses and wild animal scat. I have many interests.

PHYLLIS:
(takes two glasses over to a table) Well, only a privileged few are allowed down here. The wine in this room is worth over $1 million. (pours some wine into the glasses) We've been collecting it for years from all over the world. Would you like a glass? (hands one to SHAWN)

SHAWN:
(takes glass) Actually, I prefer my wine in a box.

SHAWN watches as PHYLLIS drinks her wine down in one go.

SHAWN:
Wow. I've often heard that's the best way to savor wine. Just skip over the taste buds and go right to the gullet.

PHYLLIS:
(pours another glass) I swear, if I have to deal with another tourist today, my head is going to explode. And David doesn't like me drinking in front of the guests. (sips wine)

SHAWN:
So, uh, how did you manage to never meet Jan?

PHYLLIS:
We tried to. Several times. Take a sip before I finish the bottle.

SHAWN:
(takes a sip and spits it right out)That's... That's disgusting.

PHYLLIS:
That's a $30,000 bottle of Spanish sherry.

SHAWN:
(forces down another sip) It's good.

PHYLLIS:
(walks around to stand beside SHAWN) You know, Shawn, I have very fine taste, and I like my wine like I like my men... White and hairy.

SHAWN:
That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness.

The door opens and DAVID enters. PHYLLIS steps away from SHAWN and puts down her glass.

DAVID:
Phyllis, some of our guests have gone out... What's going on here?

PHYLLIS:
I was just explaining our frustration over never meeting Jann.

DAVID:
Yeah, that guy. (walks in and sets rolled up paper on table) Yeah, every time we made plans, he would change them at the last second with that same lame excuse about having to work overseas. (picks up a bottle)I cannot believe that I shut down my winery for this wedding. I should have known better.

As DAVID talks, SHAWN sees a shipping notice for the new winery in Napa and that the rolled paper are plans for a showroom.

DAVID:
(makes a note on a clipboard) Mira's choices in men have always been suspect. Including that Guster and his supposedly psychic friend. Now if you'll excuse us? (walks over to PHYLLIS)

SHAWN:
Yes, of course. You have to finish packing your wine. You're moving into your winery in Napa on Friday, and your amazing collection will finally be on display for all to see.

DAVID:
Wait a minute. How'd you know that...

SHAWN:
Don't be intimidated, sir. I'm just a man. (sips the sherry and gags) Oh, God. (leaves)

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

They are sitting at GUS’ desk.

SHAWN:
Brace yourself, Jan doesn't actually exist.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Fact. There is no record of a Jan Anglund, buyer of fine wines and food, on the internet anywhere. I did find a Jeff Anglund. He's an albino with a website dedicated to Short Circuit.

GUS:
You put us on the email list?

SHAWN:
That's a given.

GUS:
Nice! Oh, so she was lying?

SHAWN:
Or she really is checking into the nutcracker suite. Hear me. Mira made Jan up. (slaps his hands down on GUS’ desk and pushes chair back towards his desk)

GUS:
She made him up?

SHAWN:
What is… (looks at notes) Clozapine?

GUS:
It's an anti-anxiety drug. It's also used to treat psychosis.

SHAWN:
Bingo. Mira had a prescription to Clozapine. But the refill date was from way back when, and she had a bunch of pills left.

GUS:
So she was off her meds.

SHAWN:
And off her rocker. Even more so than her mother.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Let's just say I know where Mira gets her freaky side.

GUS:
I can't believe this. (stands and walks to the front of his desk)I was feeling bad for Mira. I even started to… (stops) Oh, my gosh! Shawn, she did all this to get me back. I fell for it again.

SHAWN:
But wait, there's more. The pictures.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

MIRA is standing on one side of the table with her parents while GUS stands on the other. SHAWN stands between them, waving his hand over the pictures on the table. VICK, LASSITER and JULIET stand in the background, watching the proceedings.

SHAWN:
I sense something is very, very, very wrong about these photos, very wrong indeed. (looks at MIRA) Jan Anglund doesn't exist. Thank you and good night. (heads for the door)

MIRA:
Wait, wait, wait a minute! Jan... Jann is real. Why would I make any of this up?

While still looking at MIRA, SHAWN points to GUS.

GUS:
To trick me into falling for you again. I can't believe you'd go through all of this just to get me back.

VICK:
How sure are you about this theory?

SHAWN:
(looks at VICK) Crystal. That doesn't really work. Very, very sure.

VICK:
Mmm-hmm. Then how do you explain him? (points to the hall)

Standing in the doorway is a tall handsome man looking a little nervous.

MIRA:
Jann! (runs to him)

JANN:
Mira!

LASSITER smiles smugly.

JANN:
Honey, I'm so sorry.

The couple hugs in the hallway as SHAWN, GUS, VICK, LASSITER and JULIET watch from the office.

SHAWN:
(turns around) I'm gonna grab a Clark Bar from the vending machine. Uh, anyone else want anything? Chief? Jules? Gus, you're good?

GUS shakes his head.

SHAWN:
Okay.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

JANN and MIRA kiss as the others watch.

JANN:
Honey, I looked for you at the winery, but they said you were here.

MIRA:
Where were you?

JANN:
You didn't get my message?

MIRA:
What message?

JANN:
At the hotel desk. Uh, look, I got a call to close this deal with these venture capitalists in Portugal. It was for a very important client, and I thought I could get back in time.

SHAWN:
(leans over and whispers to GUS) Venture capitalists? Really?

GUS elbows SHAWN in the stomach.

JANN:
I'm so sorry. I never should have gone. I missed our big day.

MIRA:
I'm just glad you're okay.

GUS watches sadly.

DAVID:
Why don't we talk about this back at the winery and spend some time getting to know you.

MIRA:
Yeah.

JANN:
Sure.

MIRA:
Just give me one second.

JANN:
All right.

JANN walks out with DAVID and PHYLLIS. MIRA walks over to GUS and SHAWN and points a finger at them.

MIRA:
You both, I don't even know what to say to you. How could you be so cruel? (storms away)

LASSITER:
(puts an arm around SHAWN’S shoulders) Doesn't exist, huh? That's great. Hey, should I put out an imaginary APB for him on my invisible radio?

SHAWN mimics LASSITER.

JULIET:
I have a case to work. (walks away)

LASSITER:
So do I. (walks in opposite direction)

GUS:
Damn it, Shawn. You made me look like a fool in front of Mira.

SHAWN:
Dude, you know deep, deep down that there is something weird going on here. With Mira, with Jan suddenly appearing out of nowhere. I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna show you that something's going on.

GUS:
No. No more, Shawn. Stop it. I'm serious about this.

SHAWN:
Fine. For you, I'll stop. (walks away)

GUS:
Thank you.

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

SHAWN knocks on the door of JANN’S room but MIRA answers.

MIRA:
What are you doing here?

SHAWN:
Well, I was hoping to speak with Jan for a minute.

MIRA:
Jann.

SHAWN:
I won't call him that.

MIRA:
Yeah, he's off playing golf with my father. (starts to shut the door)

SHAWN:
Ah, sweet.

MIRA:
Is that it? 'Cause I'm busy.

SHAWN:
Actually, there is one more thing. (looks down the hall) Just between you and me, why'd you fake those pictures of you and Jan? I may have been wrong about a couple of things, but I know for a fact that those pictures are fakes. Jan had a shaving cut in the same place on his neck in each one of these pictures even though they were taken at different times of the year.

MIRA:
It's Gus' fault, really. Ever since what happened between he and I, my parents have been skeptical of every guy I've been with. Andy, Amir, Guru Anupam, Gay Andy, Anthony...

SHAWN:
Does Gay Andy know you call him that?

MIRA:
He gave himself that name. Look, Jann and I had only been together for a few weeks when we decided to get married, and I know that's crazy, but I just believe in all or nothing. You know, doing what feels right. Are you following me, Shawn?

SHAWN:
What, are you kidding me? I spent an entire season with an interpretive dance group in Buffalo.

MIRA:
But, see, my parents were against this thing from the whole beginning. So Jann photoshopped some pictures to make it look like we had been together for longer than we had, and it worked.

SHAWN:
Wait a second. You're saying the pictures were Jan's idea?

MIRA:
No. Jann. And yeah, he's the one with the super-fast printer.

A phone rings.

MIRA:
I gotta get that.

SHAWN:
No, no. That's coming from the room next door.

MIRA closes the door.

SHAWN:
Mira, Mira, Mira!

EXT. GOLF COURSE, DAY

SHAWN – wearing a pink golf shirt and long shorts – drives the cart. GUS – wearing a cap, orange golf shirt and khakis – looks less than happy to be there.

SHAWN:
I said I was sorry about what happened with Mira. I am trying to make it up to you here. Come on, man, we haven't played golf in forever. This is gonna be fun. (gets out of the cart followed by GUS) Plus, I promise to keep my Caddyshack references to a minimum. (takes a club from his bag and walks to the tee) Now, I've heard this club is restricted, so, uh, don't tell 'em you're Jewish.

GUS:
(bends over to put down a ball) Shawn.

SHAWN:
I didn't say I wouldn't make any.

GUS puts his wooden tee into the ground.

SHAWN:
What are you doing? The lady's tee's up there.

GUS does a little dance, alternating stepping his feet to the tee. He bends over, preparing to swing. Behind him, SHAWN sees DAVID and JANN approaching in a cart. GUS makes his backswing.

SHAWN:
Dude! You know what would be more fun? (takes GUS’ club) Starting on the back nine. (walks to the cart)

GUS:
Why can't we just start from here?

>>> LATER >>>

SHAWN and GUS have moved to another hole and GUS is measuring the distance with his club.

GUS:
I can par this hole with this putt.

As GUS stands and prepares to make his shot, SHAWN watches JANN through binoculars. He spots JANN on his mobile walking from the club house. He starts walking towards JANN as GUS makes his shot.

GUS:
Yes, yes, yes.

SHAWN scoops up the ball right before it drops into the hole.

SHAWN:
Great shot. Let's go. (keeps walking)

GUS:
Shawn! Shawn, get back here before I add two strokes to your score! (goes after SHAWN)

GUS comes up behind SHAWN as he peers around a tree watching JANN.

GUS:
What's the matter with you?

SHAWN:
Shh.

GUS:
Is this the real reason you brought me golfing? To follow Jann? I told you to drop it. He's back. There's no more case.

SHAWN:
Dude, you're wrong. Jan is the case. He's the key.

GUS:
You're losing it. (starts to walk away)

SHAWN keeps watching and sees RHODEN come out and join JANN, arguing with him.

RHODEN:
What the hell do you think you’re doing here?

SHAWN:
Gus! Gus! That's the PI from the batting cages. Even you have to admit this is getting weird.

RHODEN leaves and JANN starts walking in their direction.

SHAWN:
Act natural.

SHAWN leans against a tree and GUS rests his club over his shoulder. JANN sees them.

JANN:
Hey, what are you guys doing here?

SHAWN:
(walks over to JANN) What's up? Just playing a little golf. Keeping an eye out for suspicious meetings between shady people.

GUS:
What were you and Mace Rhoden arguing about?

JANN:
That was nothing. You know, I was the guy who hired him. I was late paying, so he was kind of upset.

SHAWN:
Maybe Mira didn't tell you, but I'm a psychic. And right now the spirits are screaming something in my head over and over and over again. They're saying, "so se prometer usar as penas."(?)(speaks Portugese)

JANN:
I don't understand.

SHAWN:
It's Portuguese for "only if you promise to keep your feathered headdress on". How can you possibly do business in Portugal and not speak a word of the language?

GUS:
Why did you really miss the wedding?

JANN:
Okay. I wasn't in Europe.

SHAWN:
Yes!

JANN:
Look, the truth is, I was in another relationship. I was in a bad situation. I had to end it before I could get married to Mira.

GUS:
You were cheating on Mira?

JANN:
No. All right? No. Not exactly, okay? It started before we even met. And I promise you, it's over now. I know that I haven't always been a good guy. But being with Mira, you know, it's changed me. I realize now that she's the only thing in my life that matters. And you may not believe me, but that is the truest thing I have ever said. Look, I'd better get back before Mira's dad despises me even more. (walks back to the clubhouse)

SHAWN and GUS watch him leave.

GUS:
Shawn, I've been there before when it comes to Mira. He's telling the truth.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but he's definitely lying.

GUS:
How can he be doing both?

SHAWN:
Trust me. As someone who has occasionally dealt with half-truths, Jan Brady is not telling us everything.

INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY

A MAN sits in the interrogation room as LASSITER and JULIET argue in the observation room.

LASSITER:
He's my informant. I'll get the information we need.

JULIET:
Carlton, this is my case. And besides, your tough-guy interrogation technique, it's not gonna work.

LASSITER:
Oh, and you think sweet and gentle's gonna get info from a guy like this? Please. All I need is 30 seconds. You could time me.

JULIET:
Fine, I'll play that game. And I will beat you at it.

LASSITER:
Fine.

JULIET:
McNab!

BUZZ enters the room.

LASSITER:
We’re commandeering your watch.

BUZZ:
You're commandeering my...

LASSITER:
(holds out hand) Watch.

BUZZ:
Okay.

BUZZ unfastens his watch and gives it to LASSITER. The detective dismisses him with a nod and BUZZ leaves.

LASSITER:
Now watch how I break this guy. It's all in the eyes.

LASSITER tosses the watch to JULIET and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. JULIET starts the timer and watches through the window a few moments before running out.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY

LASSITER peers through the small window of the door. He slowly opens the door and stands there quietly glaring at the man as the door closes behind him. The man shrugs, waiting for LASSITER to talk.

LASSITER:
(leans forward and slams hands on the table) All right. You little son of a...

JULIET:
(runs in) Time!

LASSITER:
What? I just got started.

JULIET:
They're your rules.

LASSITER:
Crap. (takes the watch and leaves the room)

JULIET:
Hey.

MAN:
Hi.

JULIET:
You look hungry. (holds out a Clark Bar)

MAN:
(takes candy) Kind of. Thanks.

JULIET:
(sits at table) So, what can you tell me about a refrigeration truck that was stolen a few days ago?

MAN:
Refrigeration truck? (takes a bite)

JULIET:
Oh, come on. All I need's a name, Rusty. (laughs)

RUSTY:
I know about pretty much every car boosted in Santa Barbara, but nothing as pointless as stealing a refrigerator truck. Honest.

LASSITER watches from the window and bursts in as the timer beeps.

LASSITER:
Time!

JULIET scrunches up her face in disappointment, stands and walks to the door, taking the watch from LASSITER as she passes him. LASSITER grabs the candy bar from RUSTY and throws it away.

LASSITER:
All right. Cut the crap, Rusty. We both know that you are holding out on me.

RUSTY:
I was eating that candy bar.

LASSITER:
Well, the candy police aren't here today. It's just me, and I got at least 12 different charges I could pin on you. So you better start giving me some good information.

RUSTY:
I don't know. Look, there's only two reasons why anybody steals a car. To sell it or to use it. Since nobody's come down to my shop to sell me your precious little truck, they need it for something.

JULIET:
(runs in as timer beeps) Time!

LASSITER:
(to RUSTY) Don't you dare tell her a thing. (grabs the watch from JULIET)

JULIET:
Oh, that's great detective work. Probably why you scored a whole point lower than me on the exam.

BUZZ:
Sorry to interrupt, but the Chief needs you for an important case.

JULIET and LASSITER look at each other and then race from the room. BUZZ looks at RUSTY.

RUSTY:
They took my Clark Bar.

BUZZ:
They took my watch.

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

GUS and SHAWN walk down the hall past police towards JULIET and LASSITER.

GUS:
What's going on?

JULIET:
It's about Mira's fiancé.

SHAWN:
I knew it. The guy's a crook. (walks past LASSITER and JULIET) All right! Playtime's over, Jan! I've had a bad psychic vibe about you from the beginning.

INT. HOTEL, ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stride into the room.

SHAWN:
Why don't you go ahead and tell us what you've really been up to?

SHAWN stops when he sees JANN’S body lying on its stomach across a coffee table.

SHAWN:
Whenever you're ready, Jan. Jan?

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is standing between the desks and GUS is standing by the window.

SHAWN:
Let's do a loop.

SHAWN walks towards the window and GUS walks towards the desks.

GUS:
I knew Jann was bad news.

GUS and SHAWN trade places again, walking the office in a loop.

SHAWN:
(sarcastic) Wow, Gus, you were so right. Why didn't I listen to you?

GUS:
We need to find out who killed him.

SHAWN:
That's a good idea.

SHAWN remembers seeing plastic wrapping on the floor by JANN’S body. He then remembers RHODEN and his cigarette wrapping.

SHAWN:
(faces GUS) Dude, I have a theory. I don't think Jan and Mace were just arguing about money.

GUS:
What else were they arguing about?

SHAWN:
I don't know yet. But I want to talk to Lassie and Jules. Let's go. (starts for the door)

GUS:
Oh, yeah, um, I'm not gonna be able to make it. I'm going to go by the winery. Mira called. She was wondering if I would come by.

SHAWN:
Gus…

GUS:
I'll be fine, Shawn. I just wanna be there for her as a friend.

SHAWN:
All right.

GUS:
Cool.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

JULIET, LASSITER and VICK are sitting at the table when SHAWN enters.

SHAWN:
Oh, good. You're all here. I'm having a psychic vision about Jan, and I have a theory about who may have killed him.

VICK:
Let's just take a step back, Mr. Spencer.

SHAWN takes a step backwards.

VICK:
What…

There is a knock on the other door and BUZZ enters the room.

BUZZ:
I just got the fingerprint results from the refrigerator truck case. Do you wanna take turns with this?

LASSITER grabs the file from BUZZ.

SHAWN:
Take turns? What's going on here?

JULIET grabs the file from LASSITER.

LASSITER:
O'Hara and I have a little competition. (takes file back) Excuse me.

VICK:
Competition?

JULIET:
It is not a competition. Lassiter is just being a child about his detective exam score.

SHAWN:
Oh yeah. The DET? I took that when I was 15. I got 100.

LASSITER:
I'm sorry. You said you got a perfect score?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

JULIET:
When you were 15?

SHAWN:
Yeah. Why? What did you guys get?

VICK doesn’t say anything as JULIET and LASSITER look at each other. BUZZ is amused.

LASSITER:
You know, it's probably changed a lot since then. You really can't compare it.

JULIET:
Oh, apples and oranges.

EXT. WINERY, NIGHT

GUS and MIRA are walking along the paths.

MIRA:
He cheated on me, and then he lied to me about missing the wedding, and now he's dead.

GUS:
I know exactly how you feel.

MIRA:
Really?

GUS:
Well, no.

MIRA:
I always knew that there was something wrong with Jann. From the very beginning, there was a little voice inside me that said it was all wrong, but I didn't listen 'cause he had Andy's laugh and Gay Andy's sense of style, and your heart. At least that's what I thought.

GUS leans in for a kiss and there’s a loud crash from inside.

GUS:
What was that?

MIRA:
I don't know, but my parents are gone and the vineyard's closed.

INT. WINERY, CELLAR, NIGHT

MIRA and GUS walk slowly to the open door of the collection. Outside is a broken crate with smashed bottles. Inside, crates have been opened and searched.

GUS:
Somebody's been in here.

MIRA:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think maybe we should call the police.

GUS:
Good idea.

GUS hits speed dial and raises the phone to his ear. A gun is pointed to his head but he doesn’t notice. MIRA turns around and gasps. It’s only then that GUS sees the gun.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, NIGHT

VICK:
Officer McNab, you were saying?

BUZZ:
Uh, yeah, the lab matched one of the prints from the gold lighter that was dropped when the truck was stolen to a known convict named Marcus Ridley, AKA Mike Ray, AKA…

SHAWN flashes on RHODEN with the lighter. He presses a hand to his eye and cries out.

SHAWN:
My eyes! It's burning! It's stinging! Stuff that old women carry in their purses!

JULIET:
Velamints!

SHAWN:
No, it's more of an aerosol.

JULIET:
Binaca!

SHAWN:
It's not a breath freshener!

JULIET:
Mace!

SHAWN:
Yes. (lowers hand)

BUZZ:
Mace Rhoden. That's right.

SHAWN remembers the man at the winery cleaning off the yellow paint.

SHAWN:
Was the truck yellow?

BUZZ:
Well, more like a mustard, but yeah.

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm getting another vision. Two, two, two visions in one. It's Gus and the truck in the same place. Gus is in danger. (hurries from the room) We have to save Gus! Come on!

INT. LASSITER’S CAR, NIGHT

LASSITER speeds along the road, siren blaring. JULIET sits in the passenger seat and SHAWN is in the back.

SHAWN:
All right. I left Mr. and Mrs. Gaffney a message, but Gus isn't picking up at all. Someone give me a gun.

BOTH:
No.

LASSITER:
What exactly is going on?

SHAWN:
Okay, okay, remember when I said that Jan Anglund didn't exist? Well, technically I was right. You know what? Forget that. I was totally right. He's not Jan Anglund. He's a con man working with Mace Rhoden, the guy who stole your mustard refrigerator truck.

JULIET:
Keep talking.

SHAWN:
Well, a few months ago, they started a long con on Mira Gaffney. The plan was for Jan to romance Mira and marry her on the beach in Santa Barbara. But Mira's parents asked too many questions. So Jan doctored the photos to convince them to have the wedding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

MIRA:
See, my parents were against this thing from the beginning, so Jann photoshopped some pictures to make it look like we've been together for longer than we had, and it worked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. LASSITER’S CAR, NIGHT

SHAWN:
The wedding was merely a cover, so that Mira's father would shut down the winery for a day. Jan intended to leave Mira at the altar, while mace broke into David Gaffney's cellar to steal his priceless wine collection and skip town.

JULIET:
But there was no robbery at the winery. And Jan didn't skip town. He came back.

SHAWN:
He had a change of heart.

JULIET:
Oh, don't tell me…

SHAWN:
There's something about Mira. Jan was telling the truth and lying at the same time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK

EXT. GOLF COURSE, DAY

JANN:
The truth is, I was in another relationship. I was in a bad situation. I had to end it before I could marry Mira.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. LASSITER’S CAR, NIGHT

SHAWN:
His other relationship was with his partner Mace. He ended it because he actually fell in love with Mira and couldn't go through with the plan. That's why they argued at the golf course. And that's why Mace killed him.

LASSITER:
But why is Guster in trouble?

SHAWN:
Because it's Thursday night, Lassie. The Gaffneys are moving their most expensive bottles of wine to Napa tomorrow. Meaning that Mace is stealing them right now! Somebody give me a gun!

BOTH:
No!

SHAWN:
(falls back against the seat) Then drive faster! That's my best friend in there!

INT. WINERY, NIGHT

SHAWN leads the way as they run across the catwalks and down the stairs to the collection room. DAVID and PHYLLIS meet them at the bottom of the stairs.

SHAWN:
Good! You got my message.

DAVID:
Yeah, we looked. We can't find 'em anywhere.

SHAWN:
The wine cellar. Gus! (runs)

INT. WINERY, CELLAR, NIGHT

SHAWN:
(muffled from outside) Gus!

LASSITER kicks open the door and he and JULIET enter with guns drawn. RHODEN is knocked out on the floor and GUS is lying on top of MIRA. All three are dripping wet. SHAWN, DAVID and PHYLLIS follow behind the police.

GUS:
Don't shoot! Everything's okay.

PHYLLIS:
Mira? (hurries over)

MIRA:
Mom!

DAVID:
What is going on here? What have you gotten her into?

GUS and PHYLLIS help MIRA stand.

GUS:
Well…

SHAWN:
Gus! Don't speak. I can tell you precisely what happened here, sir. Gus and Mira discovered, uh, Mace Rhoden robbing the cellar. He pulled a gun. (kicks RHODEN’S gun to JULIET) He tied them up. And Gus assessed the situation and devised the following brilliant plan. (moves to stand by GUS) He finessed them loose. He told Mira to perform her dragon-headed bar trick that made him fall for her in the first place, triggering the sprinklers. They wrestled over the gun. (wrestles GUS) Mira fainted. (fake faints) And we walked in just as Gus DDT'd the bad guy. (slaps GUS on the back)

DAVID:
Well done, Guster. Well done. (reaches out hand)

GUS:
Thank you, sir. (shakes DAVID’S hand)

LASSITER:
Very impressive.

JULIET:
Yeah, very quick thinking.

GUS:
I was just doing what anyone would have done.

DAVID:
Honey, let's get you out of here.

MIRA:
But…

DAVID:
Darling…

PHYLLIS:
Come on. Come on, sweetie.

DAVID and PHYLLIS help MIRA from the room.

MIRA:
I just don’t remember…

DAVID:
Let's go.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, it's time to go.

JULIET pulls RHODEN up from the floor.

JULIET:
God, he's all wet.

JULIET and LASSITER leave with RHODEN.

GUS:
Dude, that's not how it happened.

SHAWN:
I know. Mace's cigarette triggered the sprinklers, and he slipped and fell?

GUS:
And then I may have knocked Mira over as I ran away.

SHAWN:
Let's keep that last part to ourselves.

GUS:
You bet.

SHAWN and GUS fist-bump and SHAWN slaps GUS on the back before they leave.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN, GUS and MIRA are in the office.

MIRA:
You guys, it's been such a crazy week. But thanks to you both, I'm gonna get through it. So thank you. Oh, oh, Shawn, Gus and me are gonna go rock-climbing in Rattlesnake Canyon. And then I'm gonna teach him how to hang glide off Cathedral Peak. And it's gonna be so amazing. Do you wanna come?

MIRA turns to face SHAWN and GUS emphatically mouths “No” behind her back and waves his hands.

SHAWN:
Uh… You know what, Mira? We just got a call from a prospective client. Something about a ghost in a ballroom.

GUS:
We should probably go work on that. Is that okay, Mira?

MIRA:
Oh, of course. I totally understand. You guys do amazing work. (SHAWN puts a hand over his heart) But I just wanna see you both before I leave.

GUS:
Mira's moving to Greenland to save polar bears.

SHAWN:
Of course you are.

MIRA:
(gasps) Do you wanna come visit for Christmas? Gus is coming for Christmas.

GUS:
I am?

MIRA:
Yeah, remember? We talked about this, silly. (slaps GUS playfully on the arm) Think about it. Bye. (gives SHAWN a high-five and then low-five behind her back) Thanks again, guys. (laughs as she leaves)

GUS laughs until the door closes behind MIRA.

GUS:
Dude, thank you for that. And thank you for putting up with me throughout this whole thing. I know I was a little...

SHAWN:
Whipped?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
Gay?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
Annoying?

GUS:
Well, I was gonna say love-struck but, sure, fine. And once again, I just wanna say for the record, I'm sorry I never told you about being married.

SHAWN:
I understand.

Outside, car tires screech and a horn blares.

SHAWN:
Now I really understand. Besides, I've been feeling a little guilty myself.

GUS:
About what?

SHAWN:
About not telling you that I, too, was married. (gives GUS a folder and walks out)

GUS:
What? You were not married, Shawn. Please. This is a fake, right? I know this is fake.

GUS opens the folder and sees a photo of SHAWN in a tux, a bride and a rabbi skydiving.

GUS:
You photoshopped this. Shawn, get back here! (walks out the door after SHAWN) You trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi? Shawn!