?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
31 March 2013 @ 06:44 pm
Transcript: 2x07 If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?  


1987

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, YARD

HENRY is teaching SHAWN how to play chess. HENRY sips lemonade as SHAWN contemplates a move.

HENRY:
I'm still waiting, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Okay, I'm gonna take your pointy, sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.

HENRY:
(puts his hand over the piece to keep SHAWN from moving them) Stop, stop. What is this piece called? (points at a knight)

SHAWN:
I call him Dwight.

HENRY:
What is this one called? (points at a bishop)

SHAWN:
B.A. Baracus.

HENRY:
Look, Shawn, if you're gonna play this game, you're gonna have to learn what the pieces are called.

SHAWN:
What if I don't wanna play this game?

HENRY:
Chess is important. It's about strategy. It's about anticipating your opponent's next moves. This game is an allegory for life.

SHAWN:
Alle-what?

HENRY:
Look, when you're on the force, you're gonna have to take in huge amounts of information. Alibis, motives, witness statements. And trust me. If you wanna win, this is not stuff that you're gonna make up as you go. Do you understand? And I want you to focus (points at SHAWN’S eyes) and get serious(points at the board).

SHAWN:
Uh…

HENRY:
What? What are you trying to say?

SHAWN:
I can't remember what it's called.

HENRY:
What did I just...

SHAWN:
Never mind. I remember. Checkmate. (takes HENRY’S king) Bye, Dad. (leaves)

PRESENT DAY

EXT. CAFÉ, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting at a table with a young WOMAN. SHAWN is giving her a reading.

WOMAN:
Tell me. Is he cheating on me?

SHAWN:
Jury's still out. Do you have something that he's touched recently?

WOMAN:
Oh. (reaches into purse)I have the receipt from lunch. (gives SHAWN the receipt)

SHAWN looks at the receipt and sees the timestamp is 1:30 in the afternoon and that it was paid in cash.

SHAWN:
I'm sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card. Always cash.

WOMAN:
That's right.

SHAWN:
I'm also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cell phone. Never, ever at home?

WOMAN:
That's dead on. You must get goose bumps being around him.

GUS:
Oh, I get something.

SHAWN:
Daphne, I have good news and bad news. (sets the receipt on the table) The good news is he's not seeing someone else. The bad news... He's married.

WOMAN:
What? Are you sure?

SHAWN:
Just tell him a friend told you he was married and his face will tell you the rest. But... (reaches into GUS’ inner jacket pocket) when the mourning period is over, this is my friend Gus's card. (pulls out card and gives it to her) He's a good listener, and he's willing to change everything about himself for a girl.

GUS:
Shawn, I do not... (DAPHNE tries to give his card back) No, no. You keep that. Please.

EXT. WALK, DAY

GUS and SHAWN walk down the path that runs along the shore. SHAWN is carrying his leftovers in aluminum foil shaped into a swan.

GUS:
Shawn, we've reached a certain level of success. If you wanna keep doing these "Is my boyfriend cheating on me?" cases, you're gonna have to do them without me.

SHAWN:
Gus, you continue to underestimate me. I'll have you know that right now, as we speak, we're on our way to the office to meet with two gentlemen named Shockley and Goddard who have a very big case for us.

GUS:
So what are we talkin'? Robbery? Missing persons?

SHAWN:
They want us to look into the serious matter of... Well, that actually wasn't in the e-mail.

GUS:
So how do you know it was real?

SHAWN:
They used all caps, Gus. The meeting's at 2:00. We better hurry.

GUS:
(checks watch) It's 2:18.

SHAWN:
Well, somebody had to have the Belgian chocolate fondue, didn't they?

GUS:
That was you, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Well played, sir. (jogs ahead to the office)

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the office.

GUS:
(pushes ahead of SHAWN) Just let me do the talking. (buttons jacket) I don't want you to scare them off with your non sequitur ridiculousness.

They enter the inner office to see two teenage boys sitting on the chairs under the window. They are holding backpacks and wearing school uniforms.

SHAWN:
Please tell me you're not Mr. Shockley and Mr. Goddard.

The boys say nothing. GUS glares at SHAWN who just hangs his head.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?”
By
Anupam Nigam

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Arlene Sanford

**********************************************************************


INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS turn their backs on the boys and have a hushed conversation.

SHAWN:
Okay, before one of us goes all crazy and demands the other one apologize for taking a case from a couple grade schoolers, let's just hear them out. (they turn around) What can we do for you, gentlemen?

SHOCKLEY:
One of our teachers is a murderer.

SHAWN:
(whispers to GUS) Okay, I'm sorry. (to boys) Please, continue.

GODDARD:
He's killed before. And in two days, he's gonna kill again. And the cops don't listen to us 'cause we're kids.

GUS:
Okay, well, since we're here, and we don't have another meeting for (checks watch) a week, which one of your teachers is going to do this terrible thing?

GODDARD:
We don't know.

SHAWN:
Who's been murdered?

SHOCKLEY:
We don't know.

GUS:
Who's the next victim?

GODDARD:
We don't know.

GUS:
Perfect. I have no more questions. Shawn?

SHAWN:
I got nothing.

SHAWN and GUS move to their respective desks.

SHOCKLEY:
Can we just start from the top?

SHAWN:
Yes. That's a great idea. (sits and puts his feet on the desk)

GODDARD:
Well, Shock and I go to Meitner, and...

GUS:
The Meitner School for gifted students? (to SHAWN) These kids are geniuses.

GODDARD:
Technically, near genius.

GUS sits on the edge of his desk.

SHOCKLEY:
The school has some pretty cool stuff. So we broke in late at night…

SHAWN:
Say no more. Fight club?

GODDARD:
No. To hack into a space probe and see if we could get it to blink a word in old Morse code.

SHAWN:
Which word?

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD look at each other.

BOTH:
(laughing) Boobs.

GUS:
You went from all that trouble just to get some NASA techs to scratch their heads?

GODDARD:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus. That's kinda funny.

SHOCKLEY:
While reconfiguring the receiver, we accidentally tapped into a cell phone call being made from the Meitner campus. It was staticky, but we heard a deep, gravelly voice talking to their cousin. Someone named Muriel.

SHAWN:
And you want us to figure out why someone would name their kid Muriel?

SHOCKLEY:
(looks at GUS) The voice said something like, "I'm not gonna be pushed into a corner again."

SHAWN:
Are you sure it wasn't Dirty Dancing?

GODDARD:
And then we also heard verbatim "if I have to, I'll kill him. It won't be my first time. By Wednesday, he's a goner."

SHAWN:
“A goner”? It may have been James Cagney.

GUS:
Shawn, can I have a minute?

SHAWN and GUS meet in the middle of the room, facing away from the boys.

BOTH:
We're taking this case. You want to take this case?

SHAWN:
It's a chance to go undercover in high school a la 21 Jump Street. Obviously, I'm Johnny Depp. Sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.

GUS:
Why can't I be Richard Grieco?

SHAWN:
Why would you want to be Richard Grieco? Isn't this the part where you say, "There ain't no case here, Shawn. Just a couple kids crying wolf.”

GUS:
I don't sound like Richard Roundtree, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Why are you so eager?

GUS:
Same as you. I was a king in high school.

SHAWN:
Just because you carried a scepter doesn't make you a king.

GUS:
That's because I was in Macbeth.

Behind them, GODDARD looks at SHOCKLEY, who checks his watch.

SHAWN:
Dude, you played Banquo's kid.

SHOCKLEY:
Hey, you guys, can you help us?

SHAWN and GUS turn around.

SHAWN:
Is a lizard's skin dry and cracked?

GODDARD and SHOCKLEY confer in whispers.

GODDARD:
We believe that it is.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

JULIET is standing at the main desk but hurries after LASSITER as he walks past.

JULIET:
Guess what today is.

LASSITER:
(scoffs) It's not one of those touchy-feely holidays invented by card companies to goad me into buying a present for somebody I couldn't care less about, is it?

JULIET:
No. Today's our anniversary.

LASSITER:
Come again?

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER stops at his desk and JULIET stands in front of it.

JULIET:
It's been one year to the day that I came to Santa Barbara and we got partnered up.

LASSITER:
Oh. I didn't get you a present.

JULIET:
I don't want a present.

LASSITER:
That's what all women say. But believe me, deep down, you want a present. (sits) My soon-to-be ex-wife always hated what I gave her.

JULIET:
What did you give her?

LASSITER:
Cash, mostly.

JULIET:
Ugh. Anyway, this anniversary means that my one-year probation period is over. So what I want, that is, what would be good… What I'm trying to say is, I think I'm entitled to be primary on a case.

LASSITER:
How late are the shops open tonight?

JULIET:
Chief Vick says molding young officers is your duty and she's already approved this. Now give me a case.

LASSITER:
(sighs) Fine. (reaches over to inbox and picks up a clipboard) Let's see. (reads over list of cases) Homicide. That's a bit messy for your first time. Hi-tech burglary. You need a lot of forensics for that one. Bake sale slap fight. Seems easy, but believe me, I worked one once. Had to call in S.W.A.T.

JULIET:
Oh, come on. (leans against the desk)

LASSITER:
All right. Couple kids came in complaining about one of the teachers.

JULIET:
(crosses arms) Are you sure there's nothing of lower priority for me to handle?

LASSITER:
Lesson number one, O'Hara. There are no small cases, only small detectives. (holds out the folder)

JULIET:
(grabs folder)Let's roll.

JULIET walks away and LASSITER follows.

EXT. MEITNER SCHOOL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are walking along a sidewalk towards an entrance, students walking around them.

SHAWN:
Ah, high school. You know, I've always wanted to prove that one of our teachers was a monster. You remember our freshman music teacher, Mrs. Jorgenstorm? She was a nightbreed.

GUS:
She was not.

SHAWN:
She used to date Craig Shiffer.

GUS:
She did not.

SHAWN:
She wore a ton of make-up and lived in a cemetery.

GUS:
Next to a cemetery.

SHAWN:
So she claimed. If I remember correctly, you were always too afraid to follow her home.

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD meet them.

GODDARD:
So any leads yet?

SHAWN:
Hold it there, Doogie. First things first. Where do I get a juice box, and does it come in grape-a-licious?

SHOCKLEY:
Shouldn't you be doing psychic stuff? Someone could be killed in the next 48 hours. Possibly one of us.

SHAWN:
(chuckles) If you're so smart, why don't you solve the thing?

SHOCKLEY:
Midterms? Duh. I need to maintain my G.P.A. to keep my scholarship stipend.

SHAWN:
All right, all right, all right. Clearly, we have to get inside. What's our cover gonna be? Wait, I've got it. You're the preppy jerk who's dating the girl I'm in love with. I'm the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.

GUS:
Let it go, Shawn. You can't pass for a teenager.

GODDARD:
Yeah, he's right. You got rhytids around the eyes.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) What did he just say to me?

SHOCKLEY:
Crow's feet. Do you squint or make funny faces a lot?

SHAWN makes a face of disgust as GUS chuckles.

SHAWN:
You guys are all nuts. If I grew my hair out, raised my voice an octave, I could...

GUS:
Stop, Shawn. I've already worked it out. We're documentarians working on a new film called Teeniuses: In the Mix.

SHAWN:
“Teeniuses”?

GUS:
Yes.

SHAWN:
Really, dude? You've got “Teeniuses” right on the tip of your tongue?

GUS:
In the Mix.

SHOCKLEY:
We already got your cover story. (holds out passes)

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LIBRARY, DAY

The HEADMASTER is taking them on a tour of the school.

HEADMASTER:
Personally, I'm not sure that I see the merits of a class in paranormal studies, but we do let the students choose one guest instructor a semester. C. Everett Koop was crushed that he didn't get it.

SHAWN sees a group of students gathered at a table, studying quietly.

SHAWN:
What is this, like a study hall?

HEADMASTER:
Oh, no. Recess.

All the students turn pages at the same time.

SHAWN:
(sniffs) Does it smell like teen spirit in here?

SHAWN laughs and a boy walks by and shushes him. SHAWN makes a lunge for the boy but GUS pulls him back.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, HALL, DAY

The HEADMASTER continues the tour. As they walk down the hall, SHAWN looks into one of the classrooms and sees a boy hooked up to a monitor receiving electric shocks. GUS walks ahead of SHAWN to the HEADMASTER.

GUS:
So tell me, Headmaster, can a former applicant request his or her file?

HEADMASTER:
Oh, no. Why?

GUS:
Oh, for the general public's general welfare. You know, generally.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, ADMIN OFFICE, DAY

The HEADMASTER takes SHAWN and GUS into the office.

HEADMASTER:
Debbie will give you the forms you'll need to sign. (leaves)

SHAWN:
An application, Gus?

GUS:
Just curious.

SHAWN:
You applied to this school back in the day. Didn't you? And you didn't tell me about it.

GUS:
Who can remember that far back?

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that why you cried for a month when we were ten? Because they rejected you? Get down. (pulls GUS down so they are hidden by the counter)

JULIET and LASSITER enter from the hallway on the other side of the counter. JULIET stands at the back of the line of students while LASSITER goes to the front. He turns around to talk to her but she’s not there. He pushes a male student out of the way.

LASSITER:
Excuse me. O'Hara? (motions for JULIET to come up front) Lesson number two. Cops don't wait in line. They go straight to the front. Even at Starbucks.

JULIET:
Hi, SPBD. (holds up badge) Can I please get the class schedules for these students? Thank you.

JULIET hands the clerk the list and he goes to get the schedules.

LASSITER:
Lesson number three. Don't say "Please", don't say "Thank you," and definitely don't say "Hi." Spirit Squad auditions were over ten years ago. You're an authority figure. Act like it.

As LASSITER talks, SHAWN and GUS scoot along the floor behind the counter.

JULIET:
Ever heard "You catch more flies with honey"?

LASSITER:
Lesson number four. Don't quote cornpone country bumpkin sayings to your commanding officer.

JULIET:
How many lessons are there?

LASSITER:
638.

SHAWN and GUS pop up on the other side of the counter.

SHAWN:
Welcome to the Meitner School for Gifted Children. How may we... (gasps) It's a miracle!

GUS:
Thank God, you're all right.

SHAWN:
We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.

LASSITER:
Lassie III was a retired police dog.

GUS:
Oh. From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common. Strong, dedicated, loyal.

SHAWN:
Bouts with ringworm. Expressive eyes. Goes like this after he poops. (wipes his feet on the floor)

GUS:
Shawn.

JULIET:
Seriously, are you guys working my case?

SHAWN:
Case? What case? No, no, no, no. They've been after me for a while to teach a class.

LASSITER:
What do we say?

JULIET:
Hmm? Oh, right. (tough voice) Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, CENTER HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the large central hall.

GUS:
This place is overwhelming. Where do we even start?

SHAWN:
Easy. Who were the eyes and ears of Dufman Elementary?

GUS:
Mr. Graves, the custodian. We had a special bond.

SHAWN points to the CUSTODIAN mopping the floor.

GUS:
Huh. Custodians have access to the building at night. He could be our bad guy.

SHAWN:
If he has a deep and gravelly voice, he's el suspecto primero.

SHAWN and GUS walk up behind the CUSTODIAN.

SHAWN:
Yo! How you doing?

The CUSTODIAN grunts and straightens up.

CUSTODIAN:
(high voice) I'm mopping up vomit. How do you think I'm doing? By the way, those mats in front of the doors are to rub your shoes on. Thanks for the extra work.

SHAWN:
Whoops. Sorry about that. Uh, I'm Shawn Spencer, psychic lecturer. And I sense that something is amiss in your universe.

CUSTODIAN:
(stretches) Yeah, my lumbago's flaring up.

SHAWN:
Nope, not that. Something a little more out of the ordinary. Something? Anything?

CUSTODIAN:
Can't you just tell me what you're looking for?

GUS:
Did something happen here on Friday night?

CUSTODIAN:
(nervously taps mop handle) Oh. Um… Nope. Nothing springs to mind.

SHAWN:
I can sense you're lying. The spirits tell me that your little pants are on fire.

CUSTODIAN:
Fine. I found this weird gold pin when I had to work late Friday night. When I mopped this area, no pin. But when I circled back to wax, there it was.

GUS:
So you're saying it got here in the middle of the night?

CUSTODIAN:
Who do I look like? Jake and the Fatman? All I know is that after two weeks in the lost and found, it's mine. Legit.

SHAWN:
Where is this lost and found?

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LOUNGE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS each look through a bin of lost items.

SHAWN:
Who loses a microscope and doesn't come looking for it?

GUS:
Ear infection medicines. Inhalers.

SHAWN:
And what appears to be 168 pairs of hideous eyeglasses. (spots the pin and picks it up) “SXY”. (shows GUS) Apparently, our perp is so sexy, he felt the need to die cast it onto steel and wear it on his lapel.

GUS:
That's not an S. That's the integral sign in calculus for the area under the curve XY. Whoever was skulking around here after hours must be a math teacher.

SHAWN:
How many math teachers work here? Four or five tops?

GUS:
18.

SHAWN:
Hmm. It's all right. I have a plan. (stands and gives GUS the bin to put away) It's a scary one. We'll have to rely on all our animal instincts. We are going to the teachers' lounge.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, TEACHERS’ LOUNGE, DAY

The teachers in the lounge are having coffee, reading newspapers or talking with co-workers.

GUS:
(whispers) Try to blend in. Act natural.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) How 'bout these kids today, huh? Oh, my God! Look at this selection of donuts. (holds up nearly empty box) This is pathetic. Who left a tenth? (holds up bit of donut) I wanna know how that makes sense. You...

GUS:
(nudges SHAWN) Shawn. Focus. Math teacher.

SHAWN:
(puts down box) There's no math teachers here.

GUS:
How do you know?

SHAWN:
(sees man with imprint lines on his face) That guy's been wearing goggles. He's clearly a chem lab teacher. (a woman has a red mark on her chin) Violin hickey. Music teacher. (a man in a track suits sits on a couch) However, a gym teacher could be more our speed.

They walk over to the couch and SHAWN sits next to the teacher and puts his legs up on the table. GUS slides on the coffee table, meaning to stop in front of the teacher, but overshoots and lands on the floor. He quickly picks himself up and sits on the table.

GUS:
Hey, buddy. Uh, we're new here and we were told to see a math teacher specializing in calculus.

TEACHER:
Professor Hahn. Handles all remedial math.

SHAWN:
That qualifies as remedial. What's calculus? The one with the blocks and the shapes?

GUS:
Do you know where we can find him?

TEACHER:
You can catch him at the end of the day. He's in my carpool.

SHAWN:
Sweet! Gus, this school has a carpool.

GUS:
Answer to our prayers.

TEACHER:
Why?

SHAWN:
Gus managed to get his car impounded. He parked on a statue.

GUS:
I'm contesting the ticket.

SHAWN:
Here's the thing. We had to take the bus to school today. I accidentally gave myself a wedgie. Gus had to sit next to the girl who peed.

TEACHER:
Why are you telling me all of this?

SHAWN:
I thought it seemed obvious. Can we get a lift home?

INT. CAR, DAY

The Gym TEACHER is driving and GUS is riding shotgun. SHAWN is in the back seat stuck between a snoring teacher on his left and HAHN on his right.

GUS:
So must be fun being a gym teacher. You get to play sports all day.

TEACHER:
I teach gym at a school full of prodigy nerds. I start off my day by getting 300 notes excusing kids from gym class because of rickets or IBS. I tossed a ball at a student once. He wet his pants. And his parents filed a civil suit against me.

SHAWN:
Professor Hahn. Hahn! Math teacher, right?

HAHN:
Yes. Are you the new psychic lecturer?

SHAWN:
(sees a hole in HAHN’S lapel) That I am. I'm getting a feeling about you. Are you a Right Said Fred fan? Are you too sexy for your shirt?

HAHN:
Excuse me?

SHAWN:
I'm sensing you're so sexy it hurts. (holds up pin) Boop.

HAHN:
Oh. How'd you find that? (takes the pin and puts it back on)(to TEACHER) Hey, moron. Right up here.

SHAWN:
I'm sensing Riley may have forgotten because you didn't use the carpool last Friday.

RILEY makes the turn.

HAHN:
Wow, that's right. I stayed late. Okay, right here. Stop right here.

RILEY stops the car and HAHN gets out. SHAWN leans forward between the open door and the car and GUS leans out his window.

GUS:
Deep voice. Missed the carpool on Friday.

SHAWN:
Sounds like our guy. Now we've just gotta figure out why and how he's gonna kill somebody.

HAHN knocks on RILEY’S window and the driver lowers it.

HAHN:
And one more thing. If you are late picking me up in the morning, I will tear your head off.

SHAWN:
Maybe just the how.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, CENTER HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are crossing the hall to a set of stairs.

GUS:
Are you prepared for your psychic seminar?

SHAWN:
Gus, please.

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD cross the hall and join them.

GODDARD:
Any leads? I'm adapting this into a Nancy Drew fanfic.

SHAWN:
I believe whoever's involved is in the vicinity.

SHOCKLEY:
(hands SHAWN index cards) We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try to hit. Don't show any fear.

SHAWN gives the cards to GUS without even looking at them.

GODDARD:
Don't split any infinitives.

SHOCKLEY:
Don't dangle your participles.

GUS:
(reads cards) At least not in public.

SHAWN:
Look, if I understood what you guys were saying, I'd still be a virgin. Now, run along. Go to class.

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD leave.

GUS:
Really? (throws away cards)

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LECTURE HALL, DAY

SHAWN writes on the chalkboard as GUS moves the podium forward. HAHN walks into the room along with the students and stands in the back. GUS turns around and stands next to SHAWN at the board.

GUS:
(whispers) Hahn is here.

SHAWN:
(whispers) The seminar's open to both students and teachers, Gus. I personally extended Hahn an invitation so I can grill him in front of a live studio audience. If he's killed before, I'll get him to confess.

GUS:
(whispers) How're you gonna interrogate someone and teach a class at the same time?

SHAWN:
First the carrot, then the stick. (turns around to face students)

GUS:
You don't even know what that means, do you?

SHAWN:
Leave me alone.

GUS sits at the desk off to the side.

SHAWN:
“Phsysics.” (underlines the word on the board) The physics of psychics. I'm Professor Shawn Spencer. I will be your psychic ferryman over the River Styx. That's Gus. My ferry.

GUS:
(stands and waves) Hello.

SHAWN:
Each one of us is born with a kernel of what I like to dub “paranormalevolance”. I, however, was born with an extra normal amount. Two cobs to be exact. Allow me to demonstrate. (sees one of the boys rubbing his thumb across his teeth) Congratulations on getting your braces removed.

STUDENT 1:
That doesn't mean you're psychic. Maybe you're just hyper-observant.

SHAWN sees flakes on the student’s glasses and red shirt.

SHAWN:
You wear that white sweatshirt every day. Shall I tell the class why?

The student just lowers his head.

SHAWN:
You.

SHAWN looks at the same student LASSITER pushed out of the way in the office. He sees a patch of dry skin along the hairline.

SHAWN:
You, young man. A little aloe will do wonders for that combination skin.

SHAWN then notices a little skin irritation on the student’s chin.

SHAWN:
And perhaps you should use more care while shaving, or, just wait until you can grow facial hair altogether.

STUDENT 2:
You could've just smelled my aftershave on the way in. How 'bout a real test? I'll write the answer on the board.

SHAWN:
And I'll tell you the question. Have at it, young Trebek. (to GUS) Trebek, I said.

GUS:
This is Jeopardy!

The student comes down and writes an equation on the board.

SHAWN:
Potent potables!

GUS:
Questions that start with P!

SHAWN:
The smartass who thinks he's gonna make me look silly.

GUS:
Who is this guy?

SHAWN chuckles as he and GUS turn around to see the equation on the board. SHAWN looks at GUS for the answer but GUS subtly shakes his head. SHAWN walks over and puts his hand over the student’s face.

SHAWN:
Your negativity is really impeding my psychic ability.

STUDENT 2:
Or you're just a big fraud.

SHAWN:
(points) Go to the principal's office.

STUDENT 2:
Wait a second.

SHAWN:
Get out of here. Go. Go. Go, get out of here. Get out of here.

STUDENT 2 leaves.

SHAWN:
None of you should be friends with him.

GUS:
(behind his hand) Psst. Hahn.

SHAWN:
Professor Hahn. I'm getting something from you. A kind of darkness. Yes. I see you clearly. With a target.

HAHN:
I shop at Target.

SHAWN:
Sure, but, but, I... I see you on a cell phone with your cousin. Plotting, planning. Something secret.

HAHN:
Yes. Yes, I've been planning a surprise party for my sister-in-law. She's impossible to surprise. That's amazing.

SHAWN looks over at GUS.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER is sitting on the edge of his desk as he talks on the phone. JULIET stands behind him, tapping her nails on the wall in irritation.

LASSITER:
Yeah, well, if she's gonna have puppies, she's gonna have puppies. There's nothing we can do about it. Look, if you had her fixed like I... (puts the phone to his chest and turns to face JULIET) Do you need something?

JULIET:
Yes, actually.

LASSITER:
Well?

JULIET:
Well, what?

LASSITER:
Well, order me off the phone. You need me to work, and I'm wasting time.

JULIET puts her finger down on the receiver, disconnecting the call.

LASSITER:
That's a nice touch. (sits in chair)

JULIET:
I've been reviewing the statement we took from the kids on campus. They said whoever this teacher is, he's already killed once, and he's going to kill again.

LASSITER:
Right.

JULIET:
Right. It strikes me that it's difficult to solve a crime that hasn't happened yet. So why don't we focus our attention on the murder that already has?

LASSITER:
Makes sense.

JULIET:
Great. (brings over a wheeled file basket) These are the case files for every unsolved homicide in the Santa Barbara area over the last five years.

LASSITER:
Lot of paper cuts there. Have fun. (turns to desk)

JULIET:
No. (pushes the cart towards LASSITER) I need you to review these and tell me if there are any connections with the Meitner faculty.

LASSITER:
Yeah. I'm not gonna do that. (pushes cart back at JULIET)

JULIET:
You delegate this background stuff all the time. To me, usually, almost always when I have dinner plans. (pushes cart at LASSITER) Now, go through these with a fine-tooth comb and tell me what you find. (soft voice) If it's not too much trouble.

LASSITER:
(stands) O'Hara, you are drunk with power.

JULIET:
I know! Isn't it great? (smiles and walks away)

LASSITER gives a slight smile and sits back down at his desk.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LECTURE HALL, DAY

SHAWN continues his class.

SHAWN:
And that amazing demonstration is phsysics at work. It's like thinking of a song, and then, bam! It's the next tune on the radio. Or... Or that moment when you know it's right to kiss a girl. That's when you have used the power.

GUS clears his throat.

SHAWN:
Professor Hahn! I'm still sensing something from...

STUDENT 1:
Um, professor?

SHAWN:
Call me sensei.

STUDENT 1:
How can we harness...

SHAWN:
Ah, ah, ah. Sensei.

STUDENT 1:
Sensei?

SHAWN:
Yes?

STUDENT 1:
How can we harness this power to help us, um, kiss girls?

GUS:
I'll take it from here, Shawn. (stands and walks to the podium)

SHAWN:
Oh, I don't know, Gus. Now may not be the time to impede their psycho-sexual development.

GUS:
(stands next to SHAWN) Well, maybe you've forgotten that I was the one who took the hottest girl in school to the prom.

SHAWN:
That's because I told her you were dying. Otherwise, I would have had to pay for the limo myself and…

GUS:
Let me take this, please.

SHAWN:
Gus, my ferry. (walks over to desk and leans against it)

GUS:
Thank you, Shawn. Now, kissing someone for the first time can be tricky business. I like to employ the Kadeem Hardison method. When you're on a date...

The students raise their hands.

SHAWN:
Uh, uh, I can sense a question forming in all of your minds. If it's "Who is Kadeem Hardison?" or "How do we ask someone on a date?" put 'em down.

The students lower their hands.

GUS:
Listen, it's not your fault. You're all a bunch of dudes.

Three students to GUS’ left raise their hands. They have very short haircuts.

STUDENT 3:
Um, we're girls.

SHAWN:
(mumbles) That's awkward.

The bell rings.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, CENTER HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk down the stairs.

SHAWN:
I'll cover all the dating stuff in my next seminar. "Puberty : Monster or misunderstood friend?" (sniffs hand) That kid I sent to the office had some weird zit cream on.

GUS sees a professor talking with a student and greets him like an old friend.

GUS:
Professor Enrico! (walks over, arms open, laughing, and hugs ENRICO) Guster. Burton Guster. You interviewed me for admission? Math prodigy?

ENRICO:
I interview people all the time. Was this recently?

GUS:
Semi-recent. 20 years ago. But I tap-danced in trochaic tetrameter. (dances a little) Made you wanna cry.

ENRICO:
That rings a bell. So, visiting the old alma mater?

GUS:
No. I went to public school.

ENRICO:
Really? Could've sworn I recommended admission. Either way, I assume a person with your skills ended up at JPL or some kind of think tank?

GUS:
Actually, I ended up in pharmaceuticals. You know, curing stuff.

ENRICO:
Well, keep up the good work. (leaves)

GUS:
Thank you.

SHAWN:
(walks over) Dude, you didn't even mention Magic Head.

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD come running over.

SHOCKLEY:
Guys, we're freaking out.

SHAWN:
We're pretty sure Professor Hahn is our guy.

GODDARD:
So turn him in to the cops.

GUS:
Not without proof. Know anything about him?

SHOCKLEY:
The only time we see him is when he gets his espresso in the morning before homeroom.

GUS:
There's an espresso bar here on campus?

GODDARD:
Wait! Wasn't Hahn involved in that thing? You remember that thing?

SHOCKLEY:
The thing with the other thing?

GODDARD:
No, no. Just the first thing from five years ago? When the student attacked the professor?

SHOCKLEY:
Oh, yeah, that could've been Hahn.

SHAWN snaps his fingers in front of the students to get their attention.

GODDARD:
Some student attacked Hahn and he made sure the Headmaster expelled him.

SHAWN:
Who's the student that attacked him?

SHOCKLEY and GODDARD shrug.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, BASEMENT, DAY

SHAWN and GUS go down the stairs to a room filled with file cabinets containing student records – and applications.

SHAWN:
According to the school computers, the only kid to be expelled in the last ten years was a Lester Baekeland.

SHAWN stops at one bank of cabinets while GUS walks over to another section. SHAWN opens one of the files and coughs from the dust. GUS opens a drawer quietly.

GUS:
What are you doing?

SHAWN:
(coughs) Getting the plague, apparently. God! (goes through files) Babcock, Babette, Battra-something... Baekeland. God! (takes out file and coughs at more dust) I can see why you wanted to go here, Gus. They keep meticulous records of everything just like you.

GUS has found the file he was looking for and is reading it.

GUS:
Uh-huh.

SHAWN:
Expelled for cheating. Dude, there's a transcript of his hearing.

GUS:
What does it say?

SHAWN:
The kid claimed Hahn busted him for cheating and tried to extort his scholarship money from him to stay quiet. Hahn denies it. The headmaster, of course, sides with the teacher. The kid gets expelled. Huh. That means Hahn is a blackmailer. (closes file) Maybe he threatened the wrong person this time. (closes file drawer and looks for GUS) Gus? Gus?

GUS is sitting on the floor against one of the cabinets, a file open in his hands.

GUS:
I got in. I applied, and I got in.

SHAWN:
That means a lot, buddy. You'd rather stay with your best friend than, you know, have a future.

GUS:
No, Shawn. It says, "Parents of applicant refused admission." If I'd known I'd gotten in, I would've been ghost. This

place has a direct line to the Ivy League. Why would my parents turn it down?

SHAWN:
I don't know. Maybe it was just too expensive.

GUS:
I could've gotten financial aid, Shawn. Half the kids here are on scholarships with stipends.

SHAWN:
Can we not obsess about this right now? We do have a murder to prevent.

GUS:
I'm not obsessing, Shawn. I just found out that the course of my life may have been changed by my parents. You've seen Sliding Doors.

SHAWN:
(walks away) I most certainly have not.

GUS:
(follows) Yes, you did!

SHAWN:
Dude, I have not seen Sliding Doors. (goes up stairs)

GUS:
It was me, you, and Missy Isaacs. What are you talking about? (follows)

SHAWN:
I'm talking about a Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle that I know I never saw! (shuts off lights and opens door)

GUS:
Oh, please! (follows SHAWN from the room and closes the door)

INT. ECHO, DAY

GUS is driving as he calls and leaves a message for his parents.

GUS:
I know you're home. This is my fifth message. Call me back. (ends call) They're just screening my calls until I've let this go. But it's not gonna happen.

SHAWN:
Gus, let's face it. Your parents thought splitting us up at a young age was a mistake. And I can't say I blame them. For a while, I was your only friend that wasn't imaginary or an action figure of some kind.

GUS:
Shawn, if anything, my parents wanted me to stay in public school so that I would stand out compared to people like you.

SHAWN:
Yeah. No holes in that theory.

GUS:
I don't know which is worse, my parents dodging my calls, or you volunteering me to pick up a murderer first thing in the morning.

SHAWN:
Dude, it is your turn to drive the carpool.

GUS:
What's our plan? Today is Murder Day.

SHAWN:
Speaking of Murder Day, is that really what you're wearing?

GUS:
(glares at SHAWN) Shawn, in about two minutes, we're gonna be in a confined space with a killer. Please tell me you have a good reason.

SHAWN:
Of course I have a good reason, Gus. This time, it'll be just you, me, and him, and I will totally break him down.

They pull up in front of a house in front of which are fire engines. The other side of the street is lined with cars and gawping onlookers.

GUS:
That's Hahn's house.

SHAWN and GUS look at the house to see a burned-out shell. Two men from the coroner’s office push a gurney, on which is a full body bag, towards the van.

SHAWN:
Or maybe it'll just be you and me.

INT. HAHN’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are inside the house with LASSITER and JULIET.

LASSITER:
Well, according to our arson investigator, here is our murderer. (holds up remains of coffee maker) Apparently, there was a slight gas leak in the stove. Overnight, the room fills with natural gas, the coffee pot clicks on in the morning, there's a spark, and kaboom.

SHAWN:
No. I'm sensing it was definitely more of a kablam.

A small piece from the ceiling falls, hitting the coffeepot on its way to the floor. LASSITER looks up.

JULIET:
So you're saying this was an accident?

LASSITER:
Arson investigator says there's no sign of foul play.

SHAWN remembers what SHOCKLEY had said the day before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, CENTER HALL, DAY

SHOCKLEY:
The only time we see him is when he gets his espresso in the morning before homeroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. HAHN’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

SHAWN:
Wait, I'm having a vision. Hahn preferred Italian coffee. Espresso.

GUS:
Why would he be brewing coffee here if he was gonna get his fix in the morning at school?

SHAWN:
I'm sensing our killer brought the coffee machine here and used it as a detonator after creating the gas leak.

LASSITER:
What killer, Spencer? Our expert says it's an accident.

SHAWN:
I say murder. It's what drew me to this wretched place. Talk to the girl who makes the espresso. I usually don't do this, but I have a strong sense she'll back this up. Hahn had a cup first thing every morning. What do you call those coffee people? They're not cashiers, they're not waitresses.

GUS:
Barista.

SHAWN:
Gus, if you don't know the answer, don't make up words.

LASSITER and JULIET turn away. Out in the hall, SHAWN sees another detective hand over an evidence bag with a foreclosure notice sealed inside. The date of the payment is August 15, 2007.

SHAWN:
(whispers to GUS) Dude, Hahn was broke. No wonder he's a blackmailer. The due date for the payment is the same as murder day. Coincidence?

GUS:
I think not.

SHAWN sees the remains of a burnt file, part of the label missing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHOCKLEY:
It was staticky, but we heard a deep, gravelly voice talking to their cousin. Someone named Muriel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. HAHN’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

SHAWN fills in the rest of the label: Muriel Juvenile Hall - 1991.

SHAWN:
We are so on this case now.

SHAWN and GUS leave.

LASSITER:
It's your call, O'Hara. Either it's an accident and we're done, or it's a homicide, and there's a killer on the loose.

JULIET:
I don't buy this accident angle for a second. Those kids practically said this would happen. Let's bring them back in for questioning.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM A, DAY

JULIET slams a blank legal pad on the table and takes on an intimidating persona for her questioning.

JULIET:
If you confess now, (pushes the pad forward) name your accomplices, I will let the D.A. know that you cooperated and maybe, just maybe, no guarantees, just maybe, they'll cut you a break. (looks around and pushes over a chair before brushing her hair out of her eyes)

LASSITER is sitting across the table from her, unimpressed.

LASSITER:
It's terrible.

JULIET:
What?

LASSITER:
Am I scared? Am I quaking? No, that was what I call lowercase mad. You need to be uppercase mad!

The door opens and BUZZ sticks his head in.

BUZZ:
Those strange kids are in interrogation B.

JULIET nods and BUZZ closes the door. She heads of the door.

LASSITER:
Listen, O'Hara. (stands) Given your slightly, pedestrian performance and the fact that this has now jumped to a straight-up homicide, maybe I should take over as lead.

JULIET:
But, why? It's my case.

LASSITER:
Which was fine when it was just kids telling tales, but there are certain nuances involved in a murder investigation which require a more experienced touch.

JULIET:
Nuances the Chief says I'll learn by being primary.

LASSITER:
Yeah, but...

JULIET:
But what?

LASSITER:
There was an explosion. I've never had a case with an explosion before. I've had assault and burglary cases. Once I even had a murder by thermometer. But I never had an explosion. Come on, haven't you ever pictured yourself trying to out run a fireball down a dark tunnel?

JULIET:
No.

JULIET leaves, and, after a slight pause, LASSITER follows.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, DAY

JULIET and LASSITER enter the room. SHOCKLEY and GODDARD are sitting at the table, their backs to the mirror. JULIET walks around to face the students while LASSITER stays at the end of the table by the door.

JULIET:
Obviously, due to recent events, we are taking a closer look at everything surrounding the school, including the statement you gave to us.

SHOCKLEY:
You mean when we predicted someone was going to die today and they did?

JULIET:
Well, that, and...

LASSITER:
Watch your mouth, kid. Okay, you're not fooling anybody. We know what's going on here.

JULIET:
What he means is please tell us again about the phone call you overheard.

LASSITER:
No. (leans aggressively on the table) Tell us about your relationship with Hahn! You little son of a...

JULIET:
Lassiter, stop! They're teenagers. (to students) We're sorry.

LASSITER:
(whispers to JULIET) Lesson 63. Do not apologize to the perp.

JULIET:
(whispers to LASSITER) They're not perps.

LASSITER:
(to JULIET) You don't know that!

GODDARD:
You two aren't really acquainted with game theory or prisoner's dilemma, are you?

LASSITER and JULIET turn their heads towards the boys.

LASSITER:
Huh?

SHOCKLEY:
He means you two don't really get the good cop bad cop dyad.

GODDARD:
Are you guys, like, together?

SHOCKLEY:
No, she's way out of his league.

GODDARD:
But no ring. Given his age, I'm guessing divorced?

LASSITER:
I... Wha... Sorry. What?

SHOCKLEY:
Still can't talk about it. So it's relatively recent then? I'm getting separated. Not divorced.

GODDARD:
Did you ever just listen to her problems, rather than always trying to solve them?

SHOCKLEY:
No, you had to be the big tough cop, didn't you? You never let her inside.

BUZZ enters the room with a cup of coffee. LASSITER presses him against the wall with one arm and grips him by the collar.

LASSITER:
See this, Brainiac? This is what's waiting for you when you turn 18. You're gonna graduate, and get your diploma, and then, bam! We're taking a trip down to the docks.

GODDARD:
That doesn't look very intimidating with, uh, you know, the one arm.

LASSITER releases BUZZ, inhales deeply, takes the coffee and leaves.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

GODDARD and SHOCKLEY are working on HENRY’S old computer. HENRY comes down the stairs and looks at the boys who don’t even notice him. He walks over to SHAWN and GUS who are making sandwiches.

HENRY:
When did my house become a daycare center?

SHAWN:
Dad, you've been bugging me for months to fix your computer. (picks up sandwich) I finally bring the geek squad in to do it, and now you're gonna give me a hard time?

HENRY walks past SHAWN and grabs the sandwich just as SHAWN is about to take a bite.

HENRY:
Thank you! (leaves)

GUS:
Hahn had someone's juvenile record. Maybe he dug up something on our killer's past, which means we have to hack into the juvie database.

SHAWN:
Yeah, I'm with you, except for the part about coming to my dad's house. (heads to fridge)

GUS:
Well, according to the kids, the hacking may come back to us. Now the authorities will be led to an antique computer purchased by a former cop. Can you say wild goose chase?

GODDARD:
Jeez, this computer is ancient. I didn't realize ColecoVision was still in business. All right, I'm in. (SHAWN and GUS join them) Muriel Juvenile Hall/Halfway House. What am I looking for?

SHAWN:
I'm sensing our investigation centers on the year 1991.

GODDARD:
'91? There's nothing but a bunch of photos here.

SHAWN:
Click on the top right. (leans in)

GODDARD clicks on a photo making it larger. SHAWN recognizes one of the men in the photo as a student.

SHAWN:
That's that kid I sent to the principal's office.

SHOCKLEY:
Kirk Gödel.

GUS:
Why the hell is a photo from today mixed in with photos from '91?

GODDARD:
It's not. This photo was taken 15 years ago.

GUS and SHAWN look at each other.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN is having a “vision” for JULIET.

SHAWN:
I'm having a vision. The Man from Snowy River.Eddie Macon's Run? (resigned) Spartacus.

JULIET:
Kirk Douglas!

SHAWN:
Yes. See if there's a student named Kirk.

JULIET:
(goes to desk) The registrar gave me access to all their files. (sits)

SHAWN:
(sighs) It's perfectly normal, you know.

JULIET:
What is? (types on computer)

SHAWN:
The anxiety of being in charge. I can sense you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

JULIET:
I just really wanna get this right. Oh. I've got something.

SHAWN moves around the desk and stands next to JULIET to look at the screen.

JULIET:
Kirk Gödel.

SHAWN:
Gödel. It's almost pronounced like girdle because of the omelet on the "O."

JULIET:
Pretty sure that's an umlaut.

SHAWN:
I've heard it both ways.

JULIET:
Let's see. No juvenile record, only child. All stats match up with his school records. Nothing out of the ordinary. Let's see what Google says.

SHAWN:
Uh, search it with the word Muriel.

JULIET types in the search.

JULIET:
Oh, here's an article from the Muriel County Newsletter. According to this article, Kirk Gödel and his parents died five years ago in a car crash. There should be a death certificate on file, but there's no sign of it.

SHAWN:
What the hell is going on?

SHAWN remembers what he noticed about KIRK during the lecture.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LECTURE HALL, DAY

SHAWN:
You, young man. A little aloe will do wonders for that combination skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN:
Circle your horses, Jules. We're about to crack your case like an egg. (starts to leave and stops in front of her desk) And then, we'll make some umlauts with shallots. And justice.

JULIET stands, grabs the file and follows after SHAWN.

INT. MEITNER SCHOOL, LECTURE HALL, DAY

SHAWN is standing at the podium and GUS sits on the desk to the side. The bell rings.

SHAWN:
Please take your seats. Good, I'm glad you're all on time for Phsysics 2: The Wrath of Khan. (walks in front of the podium) Today's lecture will cover comeuppance and how to solve a crime in a crowded room. Someone here is living a lie. Someone in this room is a ghost-faced killer.

The students look at each other. SHAWN slams his hand down on the desk of the student in front of him and leans into the boy’s face.

SHAWN:
It's not you. But you have to do something about the hair immediately. Okay? I'd start now. (stands and points to the next student) You. Your heart is pure. I'd say lose the earring, (looks at GUS) but I actually think he pulls it off.

GUS shrugs.

SHAWN:
(points at KIRK) But you. Y...

KIRK stands and runs out the door.

SHAWN:
Why do they always run? Don't they know it makes them look guilty?

The door is opened by JULIET and LASSITER has KIRK by the collar as he shoves him inside.

LASSITER:
You need this guy?

SHAWN:
Thank you, Detective Lassiter.

LASSITER:
Have a seat. (pushes KIRK into an empty desk) You mind telling us what we're doing here?

SHAWN:
Well, as the beautiful, industrious, Detective O'Hara has already gathered...

JULIET:
(bends over) You're not the real Kirk Gödel, are you?

SHAWN:
Will the real Kirk Gödel please stand up?

JULIET:
I don't think that's gonna happen. You stole the real Kirk Gödel's identity so that you could get into this school.

SHAWN:
(gasps) But there's more to this case than stolen identity. (slowly walks up the steps to stand by the desk) I'm sensing a much darker, diabolical past. Yes. You did a stint in juvie for causing someone's death. 15 years ago.

LASSITER:
What, are you, nuts? He's a kid.

SHAWN:
True. So how could this be possible, class?

SHOCKLEY:
Time travel. He cryogenically froze himself in order to travel to the future.

SHAWN:
No.

GODDARD:
He's a clone of the original.

SHAWN:
You know what? Just never mind, guys. Save it for your online role playing.

SHAWN reaches into LASSITER’S inside jacket pocket and pulls out and handkerchief. He holds it up for everyone to see before using it to wipe KIRK’S face. He then puts his arm over his shoulder to show LASSITER. LASSITER takes it from SHAWN and stares at it.

LASSITER:
He's wearing make-up.

SHOCKLEY:
Is he gay?

SHAWN:
No. Well, maybe. Look, I don't... I don't know. But the reason he's wearing make-up is because he is actually 30, trying to pass for a teenager.

JULIET:
30? What kind of moisturizer do you use?

SHAWN:
Class, I would advise you take notes. There will be a test on this.

The students open their notebooks and SHAWN bends over to be face-to-face with KIRK, pointing a finger at him. His reveal is intercut with flashbacks to the action he is detailing.

SHAWN:
You were always the smartest kid in your class, but with juvie on your record, you couldn't get into college. Then one day, you read a story about a 15 year old from your hometown who died in a fiery car crash. And that was the real Kirk Godel. (shaves and puts on makeup) And you had a light bulb moment. All your life, people thought you were younger than you looked, so you decided to take advantage of that and hit a huge reset button on your life. You forged Kirk's documents. Then you went online and deleted his death certificate. A new identity plus your natural intelligence meant you were a cinch to make Meitner. Now you would graduate from one of the best high schools in the country, get a scholarship to the Ivys, and become a young captain of industry. And it was all rolling along beautifully until Hahn discovered your dirty little secret. (argues with HAHN knocking off pin) He blackmailed you for your scholarship stipend. He needed money to make a bank payment by Wednesday, money you weren't willing to pay. You were so distraught, you called your cousin to vent. You decided that the only way out was to kill Hahn, and make it look like an accident. (arranges fire with coffeepot) Finally, you hacked in and deleted all records that you were ever in juvie. Brilliant until the end. Well, until this...until this last part when you got caught, on the wild line. Like a salmon. Pencils down!

The students put down their pencils.

LASSITER:
(pulls KIRK up by the collar) Come on. )</i>pushes him against the wall)</i> Cuff him, O'Hara. (pulls cuffs from inside sling) But here, use mine. You've earned it.

JULIET:
(takes cuffs) Anything else I need to learn?

LASSITER:
There's one last lesson. Forget all the other lessons and know that you're a good cop.

JULIET cuffs “KIRK” and mouths “Thank you” to SHAWN.

LASSITER:
You know I'm gonna need those cuffs back, right? Good. (leaves)

EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, BACK YARD, DAY

SHAWN and HENRY are playing chess and drinking lemonade.

HENRY:
Martinsdale.

SHAWN:
Macendale. Jay Macendale. Once we had the name, it was pretty easy to track the rest. When he was 15, he stole a car on a dare, accidentally killed a pedestrian. And that's what got him in juvie.

HENRY:
I can't believe he passed himself off as a teenager for this long.

SHAWN:
I don't know, Dad. Slap a wig on you, you're the spitting image of yourself when I was a kid.

GUS is on the porch talking to his parents on the phone.

GUS:
What is that supposed to mean?

HENRY:
What's his problem?

SHAWN:
He finally got a hold of his parents.

GUS:
Don't tell me it was too expensive. My file said I qualified for financial aid. Quality of life? They have 24-7 slushy machines there. The lockers are made with teak. That's the strongest wood.

HENRY:
(holds up one of the pieces) These pieces look like they're hand-carved, Shawn. What's with the generosity?

SHAWN:
I saw you were still using the ratty board with the plastic pieces so I went ahead and shoplifted this for you. I'm kidding. I bought it. Those kid geniuses turned me on to a great IPO. Now, remember, I win, I get the truck for a week. (makes a move)

HENRY:
All right, how 'bout, I win, you wash the truck for a week?

SHAWN:
Yeah, I really don't understand what that means. I'm out there in a pair of jean shorts...

HENRY:
Shawn, focus.

SHAWN:
…continuously washing the vehicle for a...

HENRY:
(points at board) Focus.

GUS:
(into phone) Too far to drive? You derailed my future because dad hates curvy roads? I could've been the next Wittgenstein. I never got carsick a day in my life.

SHAWN:
Gus doesn't deal very well with surprises.

GUS:
I'll talk to you later, Mom!

HENRY:
(leans over and whispers to SHAWN) You never told him I was the one who ran over his dog, did you?

SHAWN:
(looks over shoulder to GUS before whispering to HENRY) Dad, no! One thing at a time. Thank God that dog was 17.

(makes move) Checkmate. (stands and leaves)

HENRY slowly pushes over the pieces.