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01 January 2012 @ 10:50 am
Transcript: 1x7 Who Ya Gonna Call?  
Sorry for the delay. Blame the holidays. Another week off as I work on the transcript for the Doctor Who Christmas special




1986

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

HENRY is sitting on the front porch, feet up on the rail, drinking something cold. SHAWN jumps the front gate and runs up to the porch as another boy, RYAN BRICKHOUSE, stands outside the fence.

RYAN:
You're dead, Spencer.

SHAWN runs into the house and slides the door closed.

HENRY:
What you doing, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Nothing.

HENRY:
Looks like something to me.

SHAWN:
Okay. I was running away from Ryan Brickhouse.

HENRY:
That him?

SHAWN:
Mmm-hmm.

HENRY:
Is he the same kid who's been hassling you all week?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

HENRY:
(stands and walks to the door) Why is he chasing you today?

SHAWN:
I might have thrown a rock at him.

HENRY:
(looks towards RYAN) Did you hit him?

SHAWN:
Almost.

HENRY:
(slides door open) Get back out there.

SHAWN:
What?

HENRY:
You can't run away from the bad guys forever, Shawn. Eventually, you got to come up with a new approach.

SHAWN:
So?

HENRY:
So, find one. (gently pushes SHAWN out of the house)

SHAWN goes back to confront RYAN. HENRY watches from his chair. SHAWN sees that RYAN got an “F” in math. HENRY can tell SHAWN has seen something. And watches carefully.

SHAWN:
You're flunking math?

RYAN:
Probably.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Here's the deal. Leave me alone, I'll make sure you ace the test tomorrow.

RYAN:
How?

SHAWN:
Every third answer is "C." There's a pattern to all our tests. Mrs. Bodansky does it every time. I memorized it. I'll show you.

RYAN:
You better not be lying.

RYAN leaves and SHAWN heads back inside. HENRY stops him.

HENRY:
Not bad. You faced your fears. You got a new result. You came out ahead. Did you really memorize those test answers?

SHAWN:
Yeah.

HENRY smiles and picks up the phone and begins to dial.

SHAWN:
Who are you calling?

HENRY:
Your math teacher.

PRESENT DAY

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is playing a handheld video game. GUS enters the office and sees a gorgeous woman sitting behind the reception desk. She has her feet up on the desk.

SHAWN:
No, no, no, no, no.

GUS makes his way into the main office.

SHAWN:
Yes. Yes. Nickel. That's a nickel. Yes. Yes. Yes.

GUS:
Who is that?

SHAWN:
(doesn’t look up) Who is who?

GUS:
The girl sitting in our front desk.

SHAWN:
Ah, you're talking about the lovely Dagmar.

GUS:
Dagmar?

SHAWN:
She's our new receptionist.

GUS:
How did she get the job?

SHAWN:
Agency sent her over.

GUS:
You contacted a temp agency without consulting me?

SHAWN:
Gus, anyone can get a secretary from a temp agency. It takes real foresight and creativity to get one from a modeling agency.

GUS:
A modeling agency? (peers into reception) Wow. Now, why would a beautiful lady like that want to be our secretary?

SHAWN:
Oh, that's a bit of a story, you see. (stands and crosses office) Apparently, she got it in her head that this was a runway gig. (phone rings) I blame the agent. I was very clear on the phone. But she's cool with sticking around for the rest of the day and seeing how it goes. (makes coffee) You know how slow it gets when it's not modeling season.

GUS:
Does she answer the phone?

SHAWN:
Yes. But only her cell phone. She's expecting a call from Milan.

GUS:
Does she file?

SHAWN:
Mostly her nails.

GUS:
Coffee?

SHAWN:
Yes, she wants some. Can I make you anything?

GUS:
No. (sits at desk)

The phone continues to ring. GUS starts working on his laptop.

SHAWN:
Dude, I thought you weren't coming in till, like, noon.

GUS:
Big drama at the office today. A doctor we supply product to got killed.

SHAWN:
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't call me immediately?

GUS:
You don't know him.

SHAWN:
Gus, this is what we do. Remember? We can solve the case.

GUS:
The police are already there.

SHAWN:
This means nothing to me. They're going to need help, guidance, psychic vibrations. (walks out to reception) Dagmar?

SHAWN speaks to her in German and she responds in kind, SHAWN then heads for the main door, GUS following.

GUS:
She doesn't speak English?

SHAWN:
Does she need to? (shakes head and leaves)

EXT. DR BLINN’S OFFICE, DAY

The area around the office is cordoned off by police tape. LASSITER and JULIET are there.

LASSITER:
Where in the name of all that is holy is my forensics team?

As the ambulance pulls away, we see GUS and SHAWN get out of the Echo.

SHAWN:
All right, what can you tell me about this doctor that I can pretend to ascertain from the spirit world?

GUS:
Dr. Blinn wasn't on my route. I did cover him a few times. All I remember is he always made you wait and he had a picture of Pete Rose on his wall.

SHAWN:
(sees JULIET) Look how cute she is in the fuchsia.

SHAWN runs up to the police tape like it’s a finish line. The detectives look at him.

SHAWN:
I have been sent by the spirit of Pete Rose.

LASSITER:
Pete Rose isn't dead.

JULIET:
There was a photo of Pete Rose on the wall.

SHAWN:
Okay, why have I been drawn here? Was there a murder? Do I need the little booties for the crime scene?

LASSITER:
Thanks, but we're doing just fine.

SHAWN looks at JULIET with a pout and she lifts the cordon.

JULIET:
Don't go in the back room.

SHAWN and GUS duck under the cordon and walk inside with JULIET.

JULIET:
My grandpa loved Pete Rose.

INT. DR BLINN’S OFFICE, DAY

While SHAWN and GUS wait in reception, LASSITER and JULIET are in the main office. The body is on the floor.

LASSITER:
All right, I want you guys ringing doorbells. If anybody in the neighborhood saw anything, I want to know about it. Patient files.

JULIET:
Cabinet's locked. We haven't found the key.

LASSITER:
Get ahold of the DA's office. Tell him I need access to those files. If they say we need a warrant, get it. Also, get me a copy of his desk calendar. (heads out of the office and sees SHAWN and GUS) I thought I told you no.

SHAWN:
But your eyes said yes. Hey, who's that Cincinnati Red over there with the bowl cut?

As LASSITER turns to looks, SHAWN peers over LASSITER’S shoulder and sees a marble pyramid on the floor by the body, a mark on the doctor’s forehead where he was struck, and a toothpick on the carpet.

LASSITER:
(turns back) Let me be perfectly clear. This is my crime scene. I don't need your help. I don't want your help. If you don't leave right now, I will have you arrested for interfering with a police investigation. Am I clear?

SHAWN:
Like butter.

LASSITER frowns at SHAWN’S remark and walks away.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is lying on the couch, pillow on his lap, tossing a ball into the air and catching it. GUS sits in a chair.

SHAWN:
I've given this a great deal of thought. I think we should take the rest of the day off. What say you?

GUS:
All we've done is eat up a box of animal cookies and crash a crime scene.

SHAWN:
The case with the doctor. They're coming back to us eventually. You know this. So, let's go to the beach. It's too nice a day for murder and mayhem.

From the outer office they can hear DAGMAR speaking in German as well as a MAN’S voice.

MAN:
I have to see him right now. It's important.

The MAN walks in followed by DAGMAR.

MAN:
I'm sorry. I don't mean to barge in, but I need help.

>>>LATER>>>

The man, ROBERT DUNN is sitting on the couch vacated by SHAWN, SHAWN and GUS are sitting in the chairs, SHAWN clutching a pillow in front of him.

SHAWN:
Mr. Dunn, Robert, how can we help? And can I call you Bob?

ROBERT:
This is difficult.

SHAWN:
Take your time. We're here.

GUS:
Yeah.

ROBERT:
I'm just gonna come out and say it. I'm being haunted.

SHAWN gets up and walks around the couch. GUS sits up straighter.

GUS:
Haunted?

ROBERT:
Yes.

SHAWN:
Haunting? (stands behind the couch and mouths at GUS “He's crazy.”) Gus, can I talk to you outside?

GUS:
Not now, Shawn. We're in the middle of something.

SHAWN:
Gus.

GUS:
Stop talking. Sit down. (to ROBERT) Now, what exactly do you mean when you say, haunted?

SHAWN sits on the arm of the couch.

ROBERT:
Well, my home, sometimes I smell perfume when no one else is around. Things get broken or move.

SHAWN texts as ROBERT talks and GUS’ phone buzzes.

SHAWN:
Oh, Gus, I think you have a text message.

GUS:
I'll get it later.

SHAWN:
I think you should get it now.

GUS reaches for his phone and reads the message: He’s crazy!!! Let’s go!!! GUS looks at SHAWN who jerks his head towards the door. GUS ignores him and puts the phone away.

GUS:
Sorry. Work business.

ROBERT:
Okay.

GUS:
(moves to couch) Can I ask you a question?

ROBERT:
Yeah. Yeah.

GUS:
Do these spirits ever speak to you?

ROBERT:
No. No. Whatever, whoever it is, it hasn't spoken to me.

GUS:
Oh. Have you contacted the police?

ROBERT:
Yeah. But they said that there was nothing they could do. So, here I am.

GUS’ phone buzzes.

SHAWN:
(stands) Robert, we deal with this kind of phenomenon all the time.

GUS reads the text: He’s not being haunted!!!

SHAWN:
What you need to realize is that evicting a spirit is a very time-consuming and absurdly expensive process.

GUS texts SHAWN.

ROBERT:
I don't care, okay? I just can't go on living this way.

SHAWN’S phone buzzes.

SHAWN:
Excuse me. (reads: We are taking this case!) Oh, really?

ROBERT:
Yes!

GUS:
Yes, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Look, all I'm saying is that it might be easier to try moving into a different house, one that's less haunted.

ROBERT:
I've tried that. Whatever this thing is, it followed me all the way from San Francisco.

GUS:
Maybe it likes you.

ROBERT:
No, I don't think so.

GUS:
What makes you say that?

ROBERT:
(pulls open his shirt to show bruising around his neck) I think it tried to kill me.

**********************************************************************

PSYCH
“Weekend Warriors”
By
Kerry Lenhart & John J. Sakmar

Starring
James Roday
Dule Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
And
Corbin Bernsen

Directed by:
Michael Lange

**********************************************************************


INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN looking through a magnifying glass as GUS is packing a large bag. DAGMAR is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

SHAWN:
Gus, what is all this?

GUS:
Gear we might need. If we're going to be hunting spirits, we might as well do it right. Methodically, systematically, scientifically. Who knows, we might be surprised what we find.

SHAWN:
Video camera? Nice. Audio recorder, motion detectors. Gus, I'm very impressed. You only forgot one thing.

GUS:
Really? What?

SHAWN:
There's no such thing as ghosts.

GUS:
Yes, there is.

SHAWN:
Oh, Gus, no. Okay. Stop. Please. Let's just, let's just stop. Come here, sit down. Please, sit. (pulls over chair from desk as GUS sits in another) All right, this is me talking. This is Shawn. What's going on? I usually to have to drag you to these cases, kicking and screaming, and those are real police cases. Now, all of a sudden we have some client who's either bonkers or, judging by the size of the bags under his eyes, suffering from nothing more than waking dreams or hallucinations and you, you're ready to go ghost-hunting. Talk to me.

GUS:
All right. All right. (leans forward) I never told this to anyone before, but I was 12.

SHAWN:
Gus, it's me.

GUS:
It was late. I was in my room with the lights off. I heard a voice.

SHAWN:
Gus, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation.

GUS:
No, no, no, Shawn. It wasn't on TV and it wasn't a radio. It was coming from the walls. And the voice, the voice told me that our house was built on an old Indian burial ground.

SHAWN:
Shut up.

GUS:
And she said... She said she was sad because she had died many moons ago and was trapped between worlds. When I asked her her name, Shawn, she said, "My name..."

SHAWN:
(mimicking woman’s voice) "My name is Wilting Flower. I died without knowing love. Will you be my friend?"

GUS:
How did you know that? I never told that to anyone before.

SHAWN:
I was Wilting Flower. (stands) Gus! I can't believe that you fell for that. I put an old walkie-talkie in the wall when your (laughs) dad put in the new insulation. The old Indian burial ground, you bought that? I got that from Poltergeist or Poltergeist II. Gremlins? No, it wasn't Gremlins.

GUS:
(stands and points at SHAWN) That's not funny, Shawn. (walks off)

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER is at his desk on the phone, looking at his computer.

LASSITER:
You know what? Let's add a "Trixie" to that. She is the companion to "Scrappy", right? (on the screen we see he’s looking at figurines) Okay, great. Let's add that to Girl With Flowers and Merry Musicians. (looks at notepad) Okay, now listen, I need the card to read, "Happy birthday. 'Ex' is the loneliest letter in the alphabet." But I need you to spell it, E-X, as in... Oh, you got it. Okay, well, see, it continues, “From your not yet 'ex', E-X, husband, Carlton." Perfect. These will go out today, right? All righty-dighty. Thank you very much.

JULIET comes up behind him.

JULIET:
I didn't know you collected figurines. You know, I have a grandmother...

LASSITER:
Do you not knock?

JULIET:
There's no door.

LASSITER:
And?

JULIET:
Sorry. The DA's office called. They said that we can have access to Dr. Blinn's patients' files.

LASSITER:
(stands) About time. (picks up jacket) Let's go get in there, get those addresses. Bring these nut jobs in for questioning. (puts on jacket as he leaves)

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, STUDIO, NIGHT

ROBERT shows them his studio. GUS is scanning the room.

ROBERT:
Here's where I found all my paintings last weekend upside down.

The device GUS is holding beeps.

GUS:
I've got a cold spot. Right here.

SHAWN walks over and stands next to him.

GUS:
Feel it?

SHAWN:
Yes. Yes, I do. Robert, we've definitely got something here. You're standing under a vent. (looks around and sees long red hair) So, all these are yours, huh?

ROBERT:
Yeah. I'm trying to get ready for a show.

SHAWN:
No kidding. Has anything strange ever happened here?

ROBERT:
Sometimes I get the feeling that the furniture has been moved.

SHAWN:
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Did you actually see it happen?

GUS is filming behind them as they talk.

ROBERT:
No, no, I just come into a room and everything's not where I left it.

SHAWN sees a class photo with ROBERT’S face crossed out. He walks over to the bookshelf where the photo rests.

SHAWN:
Robert, do you have a photo album?

ROBERT:
Yeah.

ROBERT walks over, takes the photo album off the shelf and hands it to SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Ah. (starts looking through it) Hmm. That's a nice shot, huh? (suddenly flips the book over) I feel it! I feel it. (starts flapping the book like a bird) Oh, Gus, Gus, oh! Oh! She is angry! She is angry! She is soaring! With rage and... (caws like a bird) She wants to go to the bedroom! Where's the bedroom?

ROBERT:
It's here! Here!

SHAWN:
Take me! Oh!

ROBERT hurriedly takes SHAWN through the kitchen. GUS makes a face and follows.

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, BEDROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS follow ROBERT into an untidy bedroom. SHAWN squawks and slowly stops, dropping the photo album to the floor.

SHAWN:
I've lost her.

ROBERT:
(sits on the foot of the bed) You don't believe me, do you?

SHAWN:
No, no, of course we do. You saw it, too, didn't you?

ROBERT:
Guys, please, stay the night. Then you'll see. I mean, you don't know what it's been like. I can't work. I can't concentrate. I wake up in the morning more tired than when I went to bed. Days pass when I can't remember what I've done...

As ROBERT sobs, face in hands, SHAWN and GUS argue silently. SHAWN wants GUS to be the one to comfort ROBERT. They play “Rock, Paper, Scissors” and SHAWN wins, scissors over paper. GUS demands best two out of three. He takes the second round (paper over rock) but SHAWN wins the third (rock over scissors). GUS sits on the edge of the bed next to ROBERT and hesitantly puts a hand on his shoulder, patting him. ROBERT stops and looks at the hand.

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

ROBERT walks into the room carrying a pillow and a blanket. SHAWN and GUS follow.

ROBERT:
This pulls out into a bed, but that's all I got.

SHAWN:
Oh, no worries. What's a little spooning between old pals, huh, Gus?

ROBERT:
Well, good night. (heads out)

SHAWN:
Good night, Robert. (pats him on the back)

GUS:
You got the floor.

SHAWN:
Oh, we'll make it work. (clears off the couch) You don't mind if I nude up for the sleepover, right?

GUS:
Seriously, Shawn, only one of us is sleeping at a time. The other one is on watch.

SHAWN:
Oh, no, we'll both sleep. I'll put on some socks, make you feel more comfortable.

GUS:
Stop playing, Shawn. We're here to solve a case.

SHAWN tries to open the sofa bed but can’t.

SHAWN:
I already solved it.

GUS:
When? When you were flapping a book like a bird?

SHAWN:
(puts the cushions back on the couch) Gus, if you must know, it was a bald eagle. And, yes. (sits)

GUS:
(sits next to SHAWN) You found the ghost?

SHAWN:
There's no such thing as ghosts.

GUS:
Yes, there is, Shawn.

SHAWN:
No, there isn't, but there is such thing as a pissed off ex-girlfriend.

GUS:
What ex-girlfriend? No one mentioned anything about an ex.

SHAWN:
You didn't look at the photo album? (gets album and hands it to GUS) Redhead. She's cute.

GUS:
What makes you think she's an ex? (looks through album)

SHAWN:
Oh, come on, there's dirty dishes everywhere. His bedroom is a mess, his nails are filthy, his hair is horrible. No girlfriend is gonna put up with that. And, exhibit A, who else would "X" through his face in all these pictures?

GUS:
(stands) Okay. Okay, say she's the ex, we still don't know if she's actually been here.

SHAWN:
There are strands of red hair all over the studio.

GUS:
(looks in studio) Should we tell Robert?

SHAWN:
How psychic would that be? No, we'll spend the night. It's fine. Catch up with the ex tomorrow. Talk to her, see what's going on. Meanwhile, I'm going to do some sit-ups. Come hold my feet. (drops to the floor) I'm going to do a thousand.

>>>LATER>>>

A figure passes through the room as we see smoke. SHAWN is asleep on the couch in a T-shirt and boxers and GUS is asleep on a chair. GUS begins to cough. He wakes and sees the room his on fire. He gets up.

GUS:
Shawn! Get up! Fire!

GUS shakes SHAWN awake. SHAWN exclaims.

SHAWN:
Get Robert!

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is surveying the damage from the fire. ROBERT is bemoaning his near-death experience.

ROBERT:
I could have died. If you guys weren't here, I... Why is it doing this to me? Why is it trying to kill me? (sits on couch)

SHAWN:
(pulls chair over and sits) Okay. Okay, Robert, hey, hey, hey. Hey, Bobby, look at me. Now, who here has communicated with more dispossessed souls, you or me?

ROBERT:
You?

SHAWN:
That's correct. Now, I am telling you that this, this fire was not an attempt on your life.

ROBERT:
It wasn't?

SHAWN:
No. This was a sad and desperate cry for help from a very frightened, very lonely apparition.

ROBERT:
Are you sure about this?

SHAWN:
Absolutely. Of course it's also possible that someone simply left a candle burning.

ROBERT:
I don't burn candles.

GUS walks into the room.

SHAWN:
Gus, did you burn a candle?

GUS:
Why would I do that?

SHAWN:
Cry for help it is.

GUS:
(whispers to SHAWN) No one came in while we were sleeping. I checked the doors and windows. They were all locked from the inside.

SHAWN looks at GUS’ forehead and sees lipstick. He stares and stands.

GUS:
Why are you looking at me like that?

SHAWN:
That's all you did? Checked the doors and the windows?

GUS:
Yeah, why?

SHAWN reaches around and picks up a paper napkin from the table. He then presses it against GUS’ forehead. He pulls it off to show the remnants of a kiss. ROBERT stands.

GUS:
Where did that come from?

SHAWN:
Don't look at me. I'm not wearing lipstick.

EXT. STORE, DAY

LASSITER and JULIET leave a convenience store. JULIET is carrying files.

JULIET:
This is the only post office box listed for Regina Kane.

LASSITER:
According to Dr. Blinn's calendar, she was his last appointment. She might have seen something. I want to find her.

JULIET:
Well, if this is where she picks up her mail, she probably lives close by.

LASSITER:
Canvas the neighborhood, see if anyone knows her.

JULIET:
That's a really smart approach.

LASSIETR:
(stops) What? That, that shocks you?

JULIET:
I meant that as a compliment.

LASSITER:
Really?

JULIET:
Yeah.

LASSITER:
(starts walking) Thanks a lot.

JULIET:
Was that sarcastic?

LASSITER:
(stops again) No.

JULIET:
Oh. Okay. You're welcome. (starts walking)

GUS: (v.o.)
Do you still think it's the ex-girlfriend?

INT. ECHO, ON THE ROAD, DAY

GUS is behind the wheel.

SHAWN:
A woman scorned is a woman with motive. We need to talk to this woman.

GUS:
You're on your own. I'm tied up with work for the rest of the week.

SHAWN:
Gus, that's so lame. Ooh. Pull over.

GUS pulls over to the side of the road where LASSITER and JULIET are walking.

SHAWN:
Good morning, detectives. Collecting donations for the Policeman's Ball?

LASSITER:
We don't have balls.

SHAWN:
I honestly have no response to that.

LASSITER:
Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?

SHAWN:
The case gets solved? Wait a minute, you guys are working on that murder thingy, right? I completely forgot about that. How's that going? (sees the name on the file) Silly question. We'll let you guys get back to your investigating. Bye, Juliet. (GUS pulls away) (v.o.) Okay, where to next?

GUS:
Listen, we change our clothes, we get some lunch, then I have to get back to work.

SHAWN:
Gus, the plot is thickening.

GUS:
Shawn, I've already missed two days this week.

SHAWN:
Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes.

GUS:
Thank you.

SHAWN:
Jerk chicken.

GUS:
You know that's right.

>>>LATER>>>

They have changed clothes and SHAWN is driving. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! is playing on the radio. GUS wakes with a yawn.

GUS:
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

SHAWN:
There he is.

GUS:
What time is it?

SHAWN:
Daytime.

GUS:
What happened?

SHAWN:
I might have dropped six allergy pills in your Frosty while you were peeing.

GUS:
You did what? Where are we?

SHAWN:
Palo Alto.

GUS:
San Francisco?

SHAWN:
No, but close. Robert's ex-girlfriend lives up here, Gus, and we really need to talk to her.

GUS:
I will kill you, Shawn. And then you're going to buy me some new tires.

SHAWN:
Oh, come on. This is fun. Road trip.

GUS:
Kidnapping. That's exactly what this is. That's it. We're not talking. (stares straight ahead)

SHAWN:
(looks at GUS) What, seriously?

GUS stares at SHAWN before looking straight ahead.

>>>LATER>>>

They arrive in Palo Alto.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
So, we're really not talking now? Come on, how mature is this? The silent treatment is not how conflict gets resolved, Gus. (pulls over) We need to work through this, we need to share our feelings, maybe a smoothie.

Without a word, GUS undoes his seatbelt and gets out of the car.

EXT. ROBERT’S GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE, DAY

The GIRLFRIEND opens the door to GUS and SHAWN on the doorstep.

GIRLFRIEND:
Yes?

SHAWN:
Never mind. It's not her. (leaves)

GUS:
Pardon me. (follows)

As GUS goes down the stairs, he sends a text. Just as SHAWN crosses the road to the Echo, his phone buzzes and he stops.

SHAWN:
(pulls cell from pocket and reads) What do I mean, "It's not her"? Lips. (pulls out napkin) The lips don't match. The lips that kissed your forehead do not belong to Amy Kessler. Therefore, she's not our ghost.

GUS texts again. SHAWN’S phone buzzes.

SHAWN:
(reads) "You didn't drive all the way out here so you could say, 'It's not her' and leave. We're talking to hep."

GUS texts again. SHAWN’S phone buzzes.

SHAWN:
(reads) "Her."

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

LASSITER is sitting at his desk, an open shipping box in front of him. He reads a note.

LASSITER:
"Carlton, separation means apart."

JULIET:
What you got there?

LASSITER:
Nothing. (puts the box on the floor)

JULIET:
Are you okay?

LASSITER:
Of course I'm okay.

JULIET:
You look sad.

LASSITER:
I am sad.

JULIET:
Why are you sad?

LASSITER:
I'm sad because I don't have my forensics report on my dead doctor. Or a lead on my possible witness, Regina Kane.

JULIET:
What about that psychic guy? Isn't Shawn great at this sort of thing? Finding people. I mean, maybe we should bring him...

LASSITER:
(quickly) Maybe you should just keep your ideas to yourself.

JULIET:
That's a joke, right?

LASSITER:
Yes. Yes, it is.

JULIET:
Okay. (leaves)

LASSITER hangs his head.

INT. AMY KESSLER’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is admiring a framed print on AMY’S wall. She is sitting on the couch.

SHAWN:
Very nice. Exquisite brush strokes.

AMY:
It's a print.

SHAWN:
I'm referring, of course, to the original.

AMY:
I'm sorry, what's the name of your gallery again?

SHAWN:
That's been a bit of a problem, actually. We wanted to call it Le Petit Louvre, but apparently the art snobs in France think they have a monopoly on all things Louvre. We also tried Louvre Two, Louvre, Junior, Night Gallery, nothing cleared. The important thing is we want to show the amazing work of Robert Dunn and he listed you as a character reference. Oh, we are very select with the clients that we take on, isn't that right, Francois?

AMY:
I have to admit, I'm surprised Robert would list me as a character reference. We dated for a period and it didn't end well.

SHAWN:
Can I ask why? Not to pry, but he did list you as a reference.

AMY:
The usual, forgetting dates, standing me up, sometimes he'd get so wrapped up in his work he'd disappear for days at a time. The worst was when he cheated on me and lied about it.

SHAWN:
Oh. You must have been burning with furious anger.

AMY:
He was just so stupid. A girlfriend of mine saw him at a club with another woman. He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was, get this, Martin Brody.

SHAWN:
Martin Brody? Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?

AMY:
Yes. How did you know?

SHAWN:
I've seen Jaws.

AMY:
It's his favorite movie. Anyway, when I asked him about it, he pretended he'd never even heard of the club.

GUS:
(French accent) That's... horrible. You must have wanted to kill him.

SHAWN:
Probably not so much anymore. You're pretty happily engaged, aren't you?

AMY:
(holds up hand) Yes. Isn't the ring great?

SHAWN and GUS plaster on fake smiles.

INT. ECHO, OUTSIDE PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

They are parked in front of the office.

SHAWN:
Okay, so she's not our ghost. Even the longest journeys can start with a tiny misstep. Overall, still a very good day.

GUS:
How is it a good day?

SHAWN:
Oh, come on, Gus. First of all, road trip, always fun. We got some fresh-baked sourdough, very nice. And the agency is sending us a new secretary tomorrow. And yes, she speaks English fluently.

GUS:
Shawn, we talked about this. We can't afford a receptionist.

A car starts up in the parking lot and SHAWN notices it.

SHAWN:
I don't think we can afford not to have one. Gus?

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
I think maybe we should move.

The car heads straight for them. GUS tries to start the car.

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus! Get it in gear! Go! Go! Go!

GUS backs the car out of the way just in time. The car drives over the curb and into a tree. The driver runs away.

SHAWN:
Hey! Hey!

SHAWN and GUS get out of the Echo and run after the driver but stop at the wreck. He’s too far ahead.

SHAWN:
Guy's like a Whippet.

GUS:
Tell me about it. (leans into the car)

SHAWN:
What's the supersmeller say?

GUS:
Somebody had too much to drink.

SHAWN sees a toothpick on the floor of the driver’s seat and laughs.

GUS:
What are you so happy for? We almost got killed.

SHAWN:
This was not an accident. Whoever that is was waiting for us and we have a new suspect for Robert's ghost.

EXT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, FRONT PORCH, DAY

SHAWN rings the doorbell a few times.

GUS:
He didn't answer his phone. Maybe he's not home.

SHAWN:
(peers through mail slot and sees a painting upside-down) Robert? Or maybe whoever tried to kill us last night also paid Robert a visit. And left the door unlocked.

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter.

SHAWN:
Anybody home?

GUS:
Robert? (goes into the studio)

SHAWN:
Bob?

GUS:
Shawn, you might want to see this.

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, STUDIO, DAY

There is a message written in red on the mirror.

SHAWN:
"Save me. I'm trapped." Hmm. I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but this very well may be a cry for help.

GUS:
Maybe someone died here. Or was buried alive. This could be the cry of a tortured soul.

SHAWN:
So this guy just happens to move into two haunted houses in a row? (touches the writing)

GUS:
Don't touch that. It's blood.

SHAWN:
(sniffs his finger) It's not blood.

GUS:
Enjoy your hepatitis.

SHAWN:
(turns around and looks at the floor) And this tortured soul might be less tortured with a latex enamel. He wouldn't get these messy drips.

They follow the trail back outside to the porch.

EXT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, FRONT PORCH, DAY

The trail ends at a large chest that is blotched with paint.

GUS:
Now what?

They look up to a ladder that leads into an attic and exclaim.

INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE, ATTIC, DAY

The trapdoor is pushed open by GUS.

GUS:
I got it. I got it. I got it.

SHAWN:
Hallelujah.

GUS:
(peers around) Wow. (climbs out) You got to see this.

The attic is arranged like a dressing room with a vanity, hanging clothes, area rugs, plants and a lounge chair.

SHAWN:
(climbs through and grunts) Huh. Not what I was expecting.

GUS:
Okay, I know what I'm looking at, but what does it mean?

SHAWN sees pink pumps, a red wig and makeup.

GUS:
Is it a ghost?

SHAWN:
No, buddy, it's not a ghost.

GUS:
Is there a woman living up here?

SHAWN:
(steps down into the room) Well, that would certainly explain the perfume Robert's been smelling and all the red hair laying everywhere, but no, no dice.

GUS:
(joins SHAWN) Then, what is it?

SHAWN:
Oh, come on, Gus. Look.

SHAWN moves the wig on the model head up and down.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Robert is a woman.

GUS:
No, he's not.

SHAWN:
Not all the time, but sometimes.

GUS:
No. Doesn't seem like the type.

SHAWN:
He's not the type.

GUS:
Then how?

SHAWN:
Unless he has that personality thing.

GUS:
What personality thing?

SHAWN:
Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The multiple personality disease. (peers in draped mirror) You know, that what's her name had, The Flying Nun in the other thing, the TV movie.

GUS:
Smokey and the Bandit?

SHAWN:
Yeah, dude, Smokey and the Bandit. Yes. What does that have to do with multiple personalities?

GUS:
You asked.

SHAWN:
I asked a real question. You were supposed to give me a real answer, not a random guess.

GUS:
Okay. Fine. Hooper.

SHAWN:
Hooper?

GUS:
Hooper.

SHAWN:
Hooper was a stuntman.

GUS:
Oh.

SHAWN:
I don't think Sally Field is even in Hooper. Who are you thinking of?

GUS:
(thinking) Oh...

SHAWN:
Terry Bradshaw.

GUS:
Yes. Is it Norma Rae?

SHAWN:
No, but that would have made that movie a lot cooler.

GUS:
The thing you asked about Shawn, is referred to as dissociative identity disorder.

SHAWN:
That's it! That's what Robert has, Gus. It all makes sense. (looks at shoes)

GUS:
Do you know how rare that is?

SHAWN:
I'm not saying all of Santa Barbara has it, just Robert. One guy. I think that qualifies as pretty rare.

GUS:
I don't know, Shawn.

SHAWN:
These are huge. (puts shoe back on shelf) Look. Think about it. There's two separate, but distinct personalities, one body. One's a man, the other's a woman. The female personality cooks dinner. Robert thinks the meals are the work of a ghost. The female rearranges the furniture. Robert thinks the ghost is moving things when he's not around.

GUS:
His old girlfriend did say that he would disappear for stretches at a time, which would explain when the female personality was in control, Robert would disappear.

SHAWN:
And he would have no clue to any of it. Now, all we need to figure out is how to bring out the woman so that we can talk to her.

GUS:
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. (looks at the vanity) Triggers.

SHAWN:
We shoot him? Then what?

GUS:
(picks up perfume) No, no, sights, sounds, smells. (spritzes bottle) Something that would trigger the personality to come out. (sniffs perfume)

SHAWN:
Triggers it is. Gus, this is going to be kind of cool.

GUS:
Or weird.

>>>LATER>>>

The boys are back in the attic, this time with ROBERT.

ROBERT:
Where did all this stuff come from? Is this where she lives? The angry female spirit that you sensed?

SHAWN:
(hands to head) Oh, yes. I feel her very strongly here, Robert. Do you? Do you feel… pretty?

ROBERT:
What?

SHAWN:
(sing-song) Do you feel pretty? (stares at ROBERT)

GUS:
He means do you feel a... female presence?

ROBERT:
No, but I'm not a psychic. Do you think that you can…

SHAWN picks up the perfume and sprays it on ROBERT, who coughs.

ROBERT:
Communicate with her?

SHAWN:
I'm trying. I am. Sorry.

ROBERT:
Okay. You guys are starting to creep me out. So, if I'm not needed, I think I'll go back downstairs.

SHAWN:
Okay. Let me just put this away. We'll all go down together.

SHAWN puts the perfume down and sees Dr. Blinn’s name crossed out on an appointment calendar and the name of Drake written in. He then remembers the name from the file Juliet had been holding: Regina Kane.

GUS:
You coming, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Yes. (stops at the rack of clothes) Oh, wow, Robert, these are some terrific clothes. I bet they look absolutely beautiful on you, Regina.

ROBERT:
Regina? Who...Who are you talking to?

Gus points at ROBERT.

SHAWN:
Yes. Yes, Gus, why don't you tell Regina how much you like her nice clothes. (drapes a pink satin jacket over ROBERT’S shoulders)

GUS:
Wow. Yeah, Regina.

SHAWN:
Regina.

GUS:
You look beautiful.

A change comes over ROBERT as REGINA starts to take over.

GUS:
Regina? Regina?

REGINA:
Thank you, Gus. I can't tell you how glad I am that you got my message. So, (puts a hand on GUS’ shoulder) do you think that you can help me? Please.

SHAWN:
Dude.

REGINA:
This isn't right. (removes jacket) I must look horrible. (puts on kimono-style robe)

GUS:
No. Not at all.

REGINA:
You are too kind. But then again, I already knew that the way you comforted Robert. You are so sweet. (sits at vanity) Unlike most men, afraid to show their emotions.

SHAWN:
I've been hurt a lot.

REGINA:
Now if you two don't mind, I really must put on my face. (puts on wig)

SHAWN:
Wow. So, Regina, this message on the wall, this was your way of trying to get Robert's attention?

REGINA:
Well, he doesn't even know I'm alive.

GUS:
Why not write him a letter? Or an e-mail? Even a post-it even?

REGINA:
I tried. I really did try.

SHAWN:
But every time, something or someone stopped you.

GUS:
What are you talking about?

SHAWN:
I think there's another personality. Regina, there's another personality, isn't there? I mean, you don't smash pictures or start fires. You would never strangle Robert.

REGINA:
No, I wouldn't.

SHAWN:
Regina, the police would like to speak with you. They're investigating Dr. Blinn's murder. They think you might have seen something. You could be in danger.

REGINA:
(pauses putting on makeup) I didn't see anything. I didn't even go to my appointment. Why would anyone want to hurt Dr. Blinn? He was such a nice man and he was doing so much to help me.

GUS:
With what?

REGINA:
Well, you ought to know better than to ask that. That's between a woman and her doctor.

SHAWN:
Okay. (whispers to GUS) Unless you're going to ask her out, I think we're done here. How do we get Robert back?

GUS:
(whispers) I have no idea.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Well, you're her very special friend.

GUS:
(sighs) Regina? We would like to speak with Robert. Can you let Robert come out and play?

REGINA:
(turns around to face them) For you, of course I can.

GUS:
Thank you.

REGINA:
And I do hope that we meet again.

GUS:
Robert. Robert? Robert.

SHAWN:
Try Bob.

ROBERT turns to face the mirror and screams at what he sees. He pulls off the wig and tears off the robe.

SHAWN:
Easy, easy, easy, easy. We know it seems weird and... Actually, it is.

GUS:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
It's really weird. But we have good news. We figured out who your ghost is.

ROBERT:
Who?

BOTH:
You.

SHAWN:
You're haunting yourself.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the department, happy with a job well done.

SHAWN:
Yep. Life is good. Life is great. I mean, Robert gets the help he so desperately needs, we get to marinate in the delicious satisfaction of another job well done.

GUS:
And leading Lassiter to Regina, even though she saw nothing.

SHAWN:
That's professional courtesy. Plus it helps raise our stock, Gus. Ooh! Crime scene photos. Love crime scene photos.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk to a board with crime scene photos and notes. JULIET follows them.

JULIET:
May I help you?

SHAWN:
Detective O'Hara, what a truly pleasant surprise.

JULIET:
Mmm-hmm.

SHAWN:
I just dropped by to tell Detective Lassiter that I have... (looks at GUS) We have information regarding the whereabouts of a one, Regina Kane.

JULIET:
How did you know about it? Never mind. Stay right here. Don't move. I'll go find him. (leaves)

SHAWN:
(sees something)Ooh. (walks off)

GUS:
Shawn. Shawn, don't do this. (follows SHAWN)

INT. SBPD, FIRING RANGE, DAY

LASSITER places the figurines he bought for his ex-wife along the range as we hear “The Blue Danube” waltz. He goes back and puts in his earplugs and dons his safety glasses before taking out his gun.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN is looking at more photos on LASSITER’S desk.

SHAWN:
Gus! Look at this. Look at this. Look! Look! Look!

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Here, on the floor where poor Dr. Blinn's body was laying. A toothpick. (flashes to the crime scene) A chewed toothpick.(flashes to the car that tried ram them)

GUS:
Yeah? So?

SHAWN:
Don't you remember? The car that tried to ram us, on the seat? Chewed toothpick. Oh! Oh! That means the person that killed Dr. Blinn is the same person that tried to kill us.

GUS:
It's a chewed toothpick, Shawn. Lots of people chew toothpicks.

SHAWN:
Yes, but we were working for Robert. Robert is also Regina. Regina is a patient of...

GUS:
Dr. Blinn.

SHAWN:
Yes! Take the baton!

GUS:
So, whoever the killer is knew both Robert and Regina.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK TO AMY’S HOUSE

AMY:
He said his name was, get this, Martin Brody. How dumb is that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHAWN:
Oh! Martin Brody. Of course! That's Robert's other personality. The violent one.

GUS:
But, why would he kill Dr. Blinn?

SHAWN:
Depends entirely on what Regina was seeing him for. (sees Blinn’s files) Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Dr. Blinn's patient files. (moves to the files) All we have to do is find Regina's. (starts searching)

INT. SBPD, FIRING RANGE, DAY

LASSITER shoots the figurines. He smiles. JULIET comes up beside him, hands over his ears.

JULIET:
What are you doing?

LASSITER:
Hmm?

JULIET:
What are you doing?

LASSITER:
(takes out earplugs) Shooting. (removes glasses) It relaxes me.

JULIET:
(uncovers ears) Shawn Spencer says he has information for you.

LASSITER:
Where is he?

JULIET:
At your desk.

LASSITER:
Is anyone watching him?

JULIET:
Uh…

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN is going through the patient files.

SHAWN:
Found it! (opens it and reads) Oh, no.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Gender reassignment? Oh, Regina started feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body, so she wants to have her parts... (makes disgusted face)

GUS:
(makes disgusted face) Oh, my... Wait a second. That means if Regina was successful, both Robert and the Martin personality would also lose their parts.

SHAWN:
(squeals in imagined pain) Martin can't do anything to hurt Regina because he would only be hurting himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK as SHAWN and GUS speculate on what happened.

INT. DR BLINN’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN: (v.o.)
So, dressed as Regina, he goes after Dr. Blinn.

GUS: (v.o.)
That would explain how Robert got the marks on his neck. And with Dr. Blinn dead, Robert figured that Regina would change her mind about the gender reassignment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHAWN:
Right.

GUS:
We got that, Shawn!

SHAWN:
Only she hasn't. (flashes to appointment calendar) Gus, no, no, she found another doctor. She's seeing him today.

GUS:
When?

SHAWN:
(looks at watch) (hushed) Right now.

GUS:
Right now, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Like, in 10 minutes.

GUS:
Oh, okay.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER climbs the stairs and strides down the hall, Juliet at his side.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

SHAWN falls into LASSITER’S chair, in the midst of a vision. He rests his head on his arm and whimpers.

LASSITER:
There had better be a really good explanation for this.

GUS:
He was in some sort of trance. I couldn't control him. (grabs the file from SHAWN and gives it to LASSITER) He says this is the killer.

SHAWN:
(whimpers) The killer, he's going to kill again.

LASSITER:
This is ridiculous.

JULIET:
Who? Who's he going to kill?

GUS:
What is it, Shawn?

SHAWN picks up a black marker and it leads him across the room as he wails and cries.

GUS:
Watch out! Watch out!

SHAWN stops at the glass door to the conference room and writes on the glass.

SHAWN:
Oh! (collapses to the floor)

GUS:
Dr. Drake?

INT. DR DRAKE’S OFFICE, DAY

DRAKE is sitting in a comfortable chair facing her couch on which is sitting REGINA – whom we see from the back.

DRAKE:
Gender reassignment? That's a big step, Regina. Why don't you tell me why it's important to you? (phone rings) It's okay. The machine can get that. This is your time.

The camera angle changes and we see REGINA from the front.

REGINA:
Thank you, Dr. Drake. (puts a toothpick in her mouth)

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

JULIET is on the phone.

JULIET:
No answer. Just the machine. (hangs up)

SHAWN:
We have to go now. It could already be too late.

LASSITER:
(grabs jacket) Let's go! (runs out)

INT. DR DRAKE’S OFFICE, DAY

DRAKE:
I know this can be a difficult process, but it really is necessary to ensure that you're ready psychologically for a change like this. You do seem like an excellent candidate for the surgery. (looks at watch) Our time is up. (stands) Why don't we pick up here again next week? Okay, Regina? (turns her back)

MARTIN:
Okey-dokey.

DRAKE is bending over her desk as MARTIN stands.

MARTIN:
Only (picks up statue) my name is not Regina.

Just as he swings the statue at DRAKE, LASSITER opens the door and rushes him.

LASSITER:
Hold it! (tackles MARTIN onto the couch and pulls his arms behind his back) Get up!

JULIET enter, gun raised. SHAWN and GUS follow.

ROBERT:
What's going on?

SHAWN:
Robert? Bob? You back there, buddy?

LASSITER cuffs him.

ROBERT:
What am I doing here?

JULIET looks at GUS and SHAWN.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

GUS is on the phone while sitting in one of the chairs.

GUS:
Great. Thanks. (ends call) Good news. They're going to admit Robert into the HT Windsor Facility in Chicago. And his doctor thinks his prognosis is good.

While GUS talks, SHAWN sits at his desk and looks back to the reception area, a puzzled expression on his face.

GUS:
Don't you understand, Shawn? (stands and walks to SHAWN’S desk) That's the premier mental health hospital in the country.

SHAWN:
That's good. That's awesome. Who is that?

SHAWN points back to the reception area where a handsome man is sitting at the desk, actually doing some work.

GUS:
Leslie.

SHAWN:
Oh. Oh. No, no, no, no. Leslie's supposed to be a swimsuit model.

GUS:
(gives SHAWN a file) Unfortunately, he is. Although, he says he's getting completely sick of the grind.

SHAWN:
I have to call the agency. They're completely misrepresenting their clientele.

GUS:
Leslie's a guy's name, too.

SHAWN:
(stands and whispers) Okay. We have to fire him.

GUS:
(whispers) Fire him? On what grounds?

SHAWN:
(whispers) What grounds? On the grounds that he's a dude.

GUS:
(whispers) That's discrimination. We can't do that.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Okay, listen to me. No woman is going to look at us twice if we're sharing our office with that ridiculous Adonis. He's better looking than both of us put together.

GUS:
Yeah. I'm not doing that.

SHAWN:
But, Gus, you know I can't fire people. They look too sad.

GUS:
This was your idea. Figure it out.

SHAWN looks at LESLIE’S file and gets an idea. We see LESLIE working on the computer. SHAWN slowly turns around and closes his cell phone. On the desk, LESLIE’S phone buzzes. GUS nudges SHAWN and they sneak out of the office. LESLIE opens his text which reads: You’re fired!
 
 
 
turquoisetumult: [PSYCH] The Teamturquoisetumult on January 2nd, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)
I was just rewatching this ep and I totally couldn't understand what Shawn said at one point. Thanks for this.